Author Archive

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Technical Difficulties

December 13, 2009

Once again we are plagued with substandard service, and unfortunately the latest podcast is still in limbo. It’s almost as though the man doesn’t want you to listen to us.

The site to blame for this is the mildly popular Podbean podcast hosting service. If problems persist we will be forced to change hosts. Until then, I hope you’ll be okay without us. Sniff sniff.

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An Introduction to Loopholery

November 29, 2009

Justifiable douchebaggery, or Loopholery, is the best kind, for the simple reason that the system lets you get away with it. You can be a douchebag and not have a criminal record. Imagine that.

For example, take Halloween, a human tradition by which children extricate candy from adults under the threat of vandalism. At first glance this seems extraordinarily stupid, but then again this is human society. Anyway, so let’s say a child waltzes up to your door and demands some candy. Are you seriously going to give them candy? Are you going to give them what is essentially flavoured sugar which is ridiculously detrimental to to their health?

For some reason not giving them candy is seen as a bad thing. This is a travesty and obviously alternative measures should be taken. Next time Halloween comes around don’t give them sugar. Instead, give them some healthy food. Perhaps some wholemeal bread? Dried fruit? Maybe some fish oil tablets? The wholesome choices are endless.

Of course, between you and me, the primary goal of this exercise isn’t to give birth to a new generation of fitter, healthier children, although that is a convinient side effect. No, the main goal is to see the expressions on their faces as you load them up with bland disgusting food. For maximum effect, when they knock pretend that you are indeed going to get them something delicious. Rummage around a bit in your pantry. Could it be Skittles? Chocolate? Let the suspense build, and then BAM. Roasted soybeans. Priceless.

If we catch this train of thought we can end up at many destinations. The speed limit in multi-story car parks is often 10 km/h or less. A justifiable douchebag move would be to actually go this limit, and laugh at the rage behind you. Flashy cars, which when speeding around would normally appear sexy, now look just silly crawling along. If someone confronts you, simply explain that you were following the advised limit as to expose any adults and children in the area to as little danger as possible. The key word there is children. If you can factor a benefit to children somewhere in your douchebag justification, you win.

Of course, there are different approaches to this unique way of life. The exploitation of assumptions is by far the most controversial. Assumptions are the crux of human miscommunication. Normally miscommunication is a bad thing, but in the hand of a douchebag, false assumptions can be twisted to your own advantage.

The obvious example is feigning an injury. Limping around is generally enough to garner a few tidbits of attention and sympathy, but it’s nothing to get by on. You could go the whole hog and get bandages and crutches, but is the effort worth the pay-off?

The two examples above are amateur moves. Don’t make them. The easiest way to get almost anything you want in life is simple. Shave your head, wear a head scarf and look sombre.

Before all of you jump down my throat and claim that there is no way pretending to have cancer is justifiable, I would remind you that I’m not doing anything apart from showing off my hip new headscarf and my freshly shaved eyebrows. You, the wider public, are the ones who assume, and thus make the mistake. I said nothing about cancer or chemotherapy, you merely let the seed of assumption grow into a tree of bullshit. It is your fault for any loss you sustain. I am simply exploiting your ignorance. It would be easy for you yourself to banish said ignorance, but you don’t out of fear of confrontation, or fear of breaking social norms, or what have you.

The plight of those afflicted by cancer is a noble one and rightly deserves to be supported, but if anyone does not have any idea of where their money or support is going, they are no better than me. In my opinion they are worse than me, as their effort is more about assuaging their own guilt than it is about actually curing cancer.

And to be fair, I am allowed to wear what I want. Should I be required to inform anyone I meet that I in fact do not have cancer, and that they don’t have to shower me in sympathy and favours? Should I have to wear a sign on my back saying “While I May Be Wearing A Headscarf, Which Is Often Seen On Chemotherapy Patients, I Have Not Gone Through That Particular Procedure Myself, And In Fact Am Free Of Cancer”? Of course not, that’d be a massive infringement on my freedom. You know who would take away that freedom?

A douchebag, that’s who.

There will undoubtedly be more chapters of this story to come. As I come up with new ways of douchebagging my way around the world I will be sure to share them with you, my douchebag apprentices. May your paths be fruitful, and your neighbours idiots.

Until next time, keep your head in.

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The Downfall of Hamdy

November 5, 2009

As promised, the petition for us comedic legends to replace the haggered stumbling duo Hamish and Andy is here. If you think we deserve the airtime, please leave a comment with your name :).

Also, here’s an unrelated poll.

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Deception on the Interwebs

September 28, 2009

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the idea of Google. You type something in, Google looks around for stuff that’s most likely to be relevant to your queries, and finally comes up with a list of sites you may be interested in. Easy.

Most of the time this process works quite well. Answers are generally only a few keystrokes away. However, sometimes Google gets in amazingly wrong and directs you to pretty much the exact opposite of what you were looking for. All you have to do to see this phenomenon in action is take a quick look at the search terms people use to find this blog.

  • “how to help my dad in a mid life crisis”

Alex and I, let’s be frank, are pretty damn clever. We’re well equipped to deal with most personal problems or queries you dear readers send our way. However, it is important to remember that we have absolutely no qualifications relating at all to analyzing the intricate and deep relationship between father and child. We cannot help you. The best we can hope for at this stage is that no harm was done by viewing our admittedly irresponsible website.

  • “left wing sluts”

This took a while to sink in the first time I saw it. I’m still not entirely sure what this internet purveyor was looking for. Articles about morally repugnant Democrat women? Left wing themed porn? I wasn’t sure. Needless to say I had to do some research. In the name of journalistic integrity I spent hours trawling through porn site after porn site to see if left wing themed porn was indeed a fetish. Alas, it appears not. All that time wasted. Tch. I hope you’re grateful, readers.

On a side note, when “left wing sluts” is typed into Google Left Wing Love Child is the second result, as of this writing. I’m going to go ahead and consider that a badge of honour.

  • “can pokemon ever be real”

We’ve had many ridiculous Pokémon-related searches, but this takes the cake. In reality there are people out there who do actually believe in Pokémon. Until recently they had their own website and everything. Here’s a quote:

‘Your only argument is “Pokemon aren’t real because I can’t see them, I’ve never seen them, and probably never will see them.”

Sorry to say this, but you are only one out of over 16 billion people on this planet, and just because you haven’t experienced something, doesn’t mean that’s how it is. You can’t see love, you can’t see hate, and you can’t see evil or good. You probably will never see them in your entire life, but do they exist? In my experiences as a human being, they do, and they are very real.’

I would refute that, but I really doubt I need to. It pretty much refutes itself.

Needless to say, if someone came to us asking whether Pokémon were real or not, we would laugh them right out of town. We are not what they’re looking for.

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Left Wing Love Child – Episode #9 – Can Facebook Save Your Life? Not yet.

September 26, 2009

Alex and John wonder at how Facebook can turn people into such phenomenal morons. They also plan to sabotage Jesus.

If you haven’t already subscribed, you can do so by clicking the link below. It’s totally worth it.

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=330096400

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The Prize, And A Guide To Living

September 18, 2009

Why hello there, ladies and gentlemen. So it’s been two weeks (and a bit … pffft, I’m lazy) and the competition time is up. We’ve had some amazing entries, some adorable, some hilarious, and some downright freaky. We saw bits of the human body we really didn’t need to see, or know about at all really, and above all, we got some ego lovin’. Mmm mmmm.

However, to be fair, we did get less than ten entries, and as some random calling himself Ives pointed out, that’d be more of a participation prize. So we’ve decided that there will be only one winner. One entry to rule them all. Here at Left Wing Love Child, we don’t participate. We win. Or lose. We mostly win though. It’s like a 60-40 split … maybe 65-35. Anyway, we’ve decided to pass on this enduring philosophy to you, the faithful, and give you an example of how to win.

Hilarity is an art form. It is both efficient and meandering, ruthless and benevolent. It is betwixt all polarities, and hides itself in the shadow of the norm. More than that, it is a language unto itself. There are ways to speak it properly, and there are ways to speak it improperly. When the former occurs, it is truly magical. Worries dissipate. All that is good and right in life is emboldened to stride further into the light. If Gods exist, it is but a certainty that they would be noble disciples of this higher spirituality.

Are we worthy to practise such an art form? Of course we are, what a stupid question. But, and here’s the kicker, we are all worthy. Hilarity lives in us all. It’s not just something that Noel Fielding or Stephen K. Amos can do. It’s something we can all do. And here, at Left Wing Love Child, we do our best to encourage our listeners to be funny. You can do it.

For those of you who did not enter, who did not try, who did not believe, for shame. The universe sheds a celestial tear at your failure. However, you can redeem yourself. Simply send us something hilarious, and you will be saved. Easy as pie.

Anyway, back to the entry. It is from someone named Fern and goes as thus:

“You guys are so awesome, you make Mobile Suit Gundam look like Wall-E”

Essentially he claims that in our presence …

mobile suit

… looks like …

wall-e

The most simple reason this is funny is the fact that it happens to be true. He’s right: our toned muscles and sleek physiques do tend to make fifty foot high robots look like douchebags. It is an observation that, through being true, adds to hilarity. This is an important lesson. Consider the two sentences below:

“Isn’t it funny how … ?”

“Wouldn’t it be funny if … ?”

That “if is a iron ball chained to the leg of joviality. It is mediocrity’s crutch. Yes, whatever that person said would be funny … if the pre-ascertained conditions were to exist. However, they do not. Ergo, it is not funny. Q.E.D.

For pointing out this essential life lesson, Fern nabs himself a sweet picture of us doing something awesome. Stay tuned for another competition coming up very soon.

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Left Wing Love Child – Episode #8 – Common Carpet Compound Causes Cancer?

September 13, 2009

John and Alex pledge to fight for the right to party in China. The cool kind of party, not the political one. Also, carpet compounds that cause cancer?

If you haven’t subscribed already, I’m disappointed in you. Yes, you, behind the desk. Well, better late than never. Sigh. You can find us by looking us up in iTunes or just clicking the link below!

RAWR.