Archive for December, 2010


Forever Young…ish

December 15, 2010

Soon I will be leaving forever the care free days of my youth and reach my roaring twenties. Where the grass is greener and the action movies have more car chases and gore then ever before. For a while I was scared at the prospect of entering my twenties, then I was excited, then I was hungry, then I had a sandwich, then I was scared again but not hungry (which was the more important and pressing issue).

I’m still a tad apprehensive on the whole issue, I mean what good an possible face me once I leave the supposed best years of my life? So to say a final farewell to my teenage years I decided to make a list of quintessential aspects of the teenage experience I should do.

Number 1: Join the football team, where we are a mismatch bunch of kids who at first appear to have no hence at winning until we make it to the finals. Where the game is tied until the last minute where I score the winning “point” (I’m clearly displaying my lack of knowledge of anything to do with sport)

Number 2: Punch some punk ass kid in the face. Then run away in a cowardly manner

Number 3: miss the deadline for some homework I was meant to have finished weeks ago

Number 4: state that all my teachers are out to get me, hence the failing of things. Even though I don’t try very hard at all

Number 5: Tell my parents to Fuck Off! Then ask to borrow money.

So there you have it, the top five quintessential teenage experiences. I have about four hours to complete them. So I’m guessing most of these will go unfulfilled.


The Truth in AdverLIESment

December 4, 2010

I have been hearing on the radio an increasing amount of pure evil ads for various things. Such as mortgage loans, sounds fair enough right? WRONG! They say in the ad, can’t pay for the sign up fee? Put it on the house! This is just begging for trouble! Or commercials offering loans that state, we don’t care about your Credit history. Please dear god do not give these people a loan or credit card.

Because of this I have thrown my hat into the ring and have begun an advertising campaign or various hot products that I will share with you now


Thongs! Fuck you Conventional and Hygienic Footwear

Fringe! Everybody Deserves a contrived personality

Coffee! The Elixir of the Anxious

chairs! Nothing more to say about this one...

Moustaches! Chuck Norris had one, and now you can too!

I have also decided that I will offer to print these onto a t-shirt for the small fee of $10, I can do any colour! (Except pink, because that’s gay…ok even pink) simply email me at stating which design you want, what size, colour, your address and PayPal me the money and very soon you be the talk of the town in your ultra sexy Left Wing Love Child shirt.
Warning: Shirts may not cause instant sex appeal, please consult a medical professional is symptoms persist

Also for a very limited time only! The first ten orders will receive this exclusive ticket to heaven!!


A Sure Thing into Heaven! God Can't Do a Thing about it


If At First You don’t Succeed, Give Up and try Something Else

December 1, 2010

I’ve decided that no one wants me to solve there crimes as a free lance detective/super model (unless you do, in which case contact me via due to this apparent lack of demand I have decided to try my hand at television programmer. It’s pretty much the same job except with a higher death count (or so I figure) so I will now share with you some new summer blockbusters that will be the new Jersey Shore (or better…lets hope better)

Hey! I don’t know where I am

This show is all about a group of people who after a freak plane crash (or maybe not so freak considering Quanta’s’ current state, ammirite?) get stranded on an island. Where they must fend for themselves against a monster made of steam. Then the protagonist wakes up and we find out it was all a dream.

Fey’s Anatomical research

This is a show about Fey, a regular girl who works at a regular hospital. Except everyone is super sexy and always hooking up.


This is another medical show, except this is about a doctor whose last name is home. He plays by no one’s rules, except his own. He is jaded at “the man” ever since he lost the use of his leg in ‘nam

Two men and a fat kid

This is a show about two brothers, one of whom s divorce and annoying/pathetic, the other is a jingle writer and has a bunch of sex. The divorced brother also has a son who is spherical.

Family Man

This is a show that reminds me of that one time when I tried riding a unicycle blindfolded with William shatner…good times.

I am quite sure all these shows will be instant hits. Especially considering there is nothing else like them on television, at least as far as I know.