Archive for November, 2010


It Could Be Worse

November 21, 2010

Last Wednesday as I scrubbed yet another stainless steel pot (I’m getting pretty professional at it, not trying to brag … but yeah) I was humming “Working Class Man” to myself. Considering that I now have a job I feel justified in basking in the blue-collar working class world (in summary I miss private school). So I was pretty much keeping it real, as I normally do, when from the other side of counter (the consuming side, as I call it), I heard a man, dressed in a tailored suit, briefcase in one hand and burning money in the other, utter into his iPhone 4.

“Yeah, I know it sounds bad, but things could be worse.”

What does this privileged man know of a world where things are “worse”? Unless he simply was a homeless man who robbed a rich guy and took his clothes, gizmos and persona then I don’t think he can say that phrase without knowing the emotional state, which should accompany it.

To clarify I will do an imagined side by side (I don’t actually know him so I can only guess what his life is like … pretty good I bet).
Here s a small list of my problems:

• I owe the government around $20,000 in HECS fees for university, and the commonwealth bank recently stole the last 50 I had in my bank account for “fees”. Was it really that hard to keep a hold of fifty dollars?

• My dog is an asshole. This may seem like a small complaint but when you are raised to believe that dog is man’s best friend it can kind of hurt when after three years of showering him with love and affection he still does not like me. Plus its not like he has any other options in the matter

• Even my imaginary girlfriends break up with me.

• I keep getting mad at YouTube video comment wars, thinking “No, that band does NOT suck”.

• The (Michael Bay explosion fest) Transformers movies have destroyed my childhood. I feel this has caused me some great emotional damage due to their sheer amount of awfulness, and I should be allowed to sue for around 20 billion plus merchandise rights. And they’re making a freaking third one.

Here is a list of what I imagine his problems are:

• That waitress didn’t give me soy milk in my latte.

• My pockets are too full of money.

• I own too many tropical islands.

The only way he could have finished that sentence that would justify him saying such as phrase would have been “it could be worse, at least your daughters not Sarah Palin”.

The End


Imagine If…

November 4, 2010

Hey there reader, take a break from your awful awful life and come bask in the wonderfully stupendous realm of my imagination, in this soon to be classic new weekly (maybe) installment I call “Imagine If?!”. For what may seem like only a few minutes and is really only a few sentences, but I put all my love into the for you to enjoy or think to yourself “huh, that’s kinda funny” so please do either of those, or both. Plus another episode of the podcast should be dropping any day now on the Bermuda Triangle of media that is iTunes. So keep an eye out for that, it’s a goodun.

Imagine if you had super powers, but you lived in a third world country like Ethiopia and couldn’t really do anything with them…that would suck

Imagine if there was a meal between breakfast and morning tea, which involves coffee, that would be awesome

Imagine if your pet cat or dog had a pet of its very own, that would be weird.

Imagine if aliens were observing our culture, but all they were watching was FOX news and Jersey Shore, that would be embarrassing.