Archive for August, 2010

h1

Dear Blog – My Cynicism has a death count

August 31, 2010

Dear blog

Today was an unusual, yet totally unremarkable day of sorts…. (Dare to read on?)

It started as most do, with the first of my two alarms merely penetrating my dream, making me believe the seven o’clock triple J news report was for some reason at my old High school, where I had also mysteriously forgotten my pants. I have been having this recurring dream a lot. It only makes me want to say one thing to my unconscious “fuck you”.

The two glaring lapses in logic are this
(a)    In the dream I only realize I am not wearing pants after it seems I have already attended some classes, an maybe its lunchtime. Why would I have not noticed earlier? Surely I did not walk to school like this? Maybe I should reconsider my dream friends if they did not tell me of my fashion faux pa
(b)     In the dream world it is VERY embarrassing, however in reality I think its ILLEGAL.

If we analyse this dream under basic dream interpretation, which is dreams as wish fulfillment. Then I highly doubt this. It is not as if I ever thought “you know what? High school wasn’t nearly embarrassing enough, I think I should add partial nudity”. Or we could take a Freudian analysis. Which would probably assume this means I want to sleep with my mother and kill my father…or something.

My second alarm successfully alerted me from my slumber, and I not so my much “got” out of bed but more so “fell” out of bed (what can I say? I’m not a morning person) I proceeded to get dressed, put in my contact lenses (which involved poking myself in the eye several times) and elegantly dishevel my hair just right. Then I had a breakfast of black coffee and iron tablets (the manliest breakfast ever)

Here I wish I could say I rode my moped to the train station, scarf flailing in the breeze, but no. I just walked (but my scarf did flail in the breeze but not majestically)

The train platform was filled with your usual suspects who get the train at eight o’clock in the morning on a Tuesday. Business men who are clearly not successful enough to buy a car, old people with nowhere to go but all day to get there and school children who must be on cocaine to be that excited and energetic at such an ungodly hour.

It was then that I had the epiphany. Oh God! I’m just another train station cliché. The university student who wears scarves and cardigans while publicly displaying difficult/esoteric books they are reading. So maybe tomorrow I will bring a unicycle and vary it up a little.

Check back later in the week for more of my zany adventures, maybe I will tell you the tale of my trip to the record store, or the fable of the kitchen dishes.

Advertisements
h1

Fan Mail #1

August 18, 2010

Here at the left wing love child headquarters (where funny happens) we have recently been flooded with fan mail. Most of it from Nigerian princes wanting my bank details (come on Nigeria, I hear that your economy is the fastest growing in the word, is it because of all your shifty prince’s asking for money?) some of the other mail is about penis size and enhancement, of which I have nothing funny to add, and about five percent is from actual people (mostly my mother). Due to this giant influx of mail we have had to open a second email account because Gmail was al like “we can’t handle the crazy amount of mail” so send any new mail to LeftwinglovechilOVERLOAD@gmail.com (please don’t I made that up as a joke)
So I will now take the time and this Internet space, to answer a letter from our number one fan.

Dear Alex and John

I just wanted to say that you are the sexiest blog I have ever read. What inspires you to be so spectacular every single day? Also I don’t think you make fun of religion enough, could you do more of that?
Love Angelina Jolie

Dear Fan

Why thank you, believe it or not we get that all the time. As for what inspires us? Simply to make one person smile, or teach even one person something totally wrong. If you really are Angelina Jolie I hope brad Pitt doesn’t read this because I saw fight club and he would mess me up.

Dear LWLC

How do I get girls to like me?

Dear Nerd (I don’t mean to assume but you fit the stereotype, you don’t have a girlfriend and you are familiar with email as means of communication?)

The best advice I can give is DO NOT be yourself, that is the last thing a girl wants. If being you has not worked so far than try to be someone else. Or get crazy rich and find women who like you for your money not your personality. Or your third option is die alone. Hope this helps!

That is all the letter replying I have time for today, but expect more soon! So if you have any questions or want some advice send you email to leftwinglovechild@gmail.com

h1

A Year In Retrospect

August 6, 2010

Hey there Left Wing Lovers (a new name I’m trying out to address you, the audience. On the other hand I could have started it out by saying “why hello <insert your name here> would that have been more personal or inviting? Oh well its too late for that now) some of you, the devoted few (very few). May have stuck it out with John and I over this past year. Or some of you may be a new comer and we welcome you and some of you may be sic years old and you have stumbled upon this site after searching for “List of every Pokémon ever” or “Biker mice from mars” and we welcome you to.

Who ever you are the message of this post stays the same; this blog has been churning out material or over a year now. We have laughed together, cried together, cheered together and pretty soon sung happy birthday together as this blog turns a whole one year old.

Although really what is so great about turning one? When you turn one year old you still crap your pants, your vocabulary is still very limited to maybe ten words at best none of these words pertaining to your pants which may need to be changed due to problem number one of being one and your primary source of food is puree everything in a jar, even things that should not be pureed. Like steak and carrots or conversely things that you think could not be pureed any more like pumpkin soup.

It was about this time last year that I took my first baby steps into the lonely, sad and cold world of blogging. The first blog I wrote was quite the delightful literature piece describing my wish list for things I must achieve over my inter vacation from my tertiary studies. Looking back on them now I realize how truly young and naive I was. This “wish” list contained things like
•    Get a job
•    Get a girlfriend
•    Pass my classes for the semester (which I did, no thanks to you Jesus… I know you read this)
None of these are even slightly plausible; who did I think I was? Oprah? That I could have been hired by a business owner to perform a task for them in exchange for money, I’m not Bill Gates. Get a girlfriend? What is this the O.C all of a sudden? I need to wake up and realize that not everyone has a girlfriend, maybe I’m not appealing and I should try and find a girl who likes me for my money rather than my personality (so she may have to not really understand maths) despite these glaring flaws in my logic I did manage to pass all my classes and have done so for every semester thus far.

So since it has been a year, I’m a little wiser and a little more indie. I decided to make a new list of things to accomplish.

•    Grow a “psychology” beard – this seems rather simple, if anything this is one less thing I have to do rather than actually try. For all I have to do is not shave and think many thoughts. I call it a psychology beard since nearly all-reputable psychologists have a thick and hearty beard and I’m also studying psychology so it only makes sense.
•    Be the first man on mars – I saw the first half of the movie Apollo 13 and I think it was going towards a happy ending, so I think I’m more than qualified to go into space