Vegetarianism, fill your stomach not with meat but with a false sense of accomplishment!

July 21, 2010

The rumour mill has been running rampant lately with tales as irrelevant as the mining industry is to the overall well being of the Australia economy. What could be so meaningless you may ask? Yet still cause mass hysteria? Haha no not tony Abbot in a pair of Speedos but me recently becoming a vegetarian. That’s right I’m now a vegetarian, no longer will I partake in the savage and primitive practice and gaining my sustenance through eating another living being (science be damned that states humans are meant to consume meat) so hear me…well not roar since I only have a limited amount of protein to work with here and I can’t waste it with pointless roaring. So hear me blog furiously, well not furiously but maybe just hyped up on caffeine.

Many people have questioned me why I became a vegetarian. Honestly there is no defining reason but more a multitude of tiny reasons. For starters I was never I giant meat eater. I found zero satisfaction in knowing meat from bones of chicken legs or slicing through animal ribs to eat the meat. When asked why I would not eat from the bone people would always say, “why didn’t you finish your chicken leg?” yet I could always tell they were thinking “GAY”. No I’m not gay, a lot of people seem to think I’m gay (including gay gentlemen) I just felt it was as if I was looking back 200 years watching cave men and women chewing meat from bone, while talking about the latest episode of Glee.

There is a surprisingly wide array of strands of different vegetarianism which I will now outline in what I call “Alex Harris’ guide to eating less but filling your stomach with a falsely earned sense of self accomplishment”

* Ovo-lacto vegetarianism – This includes animal products such as eggs, milk, and honey. These people are not entirely insane and usually tend to live normal lives without believing they can talk to animals.
* Lacto vegetarianism – this includes milk but not eggs. Kind of weird but whatever
* Ovo vegetarianism – this includes eggs but not milk. These people need to learn where milk comes from, since they will eat potential baby chicken eggs but not cow milk?
* Veganism – this excludes all animal flesh and animal products, including milk, honey, and eggs. These are the kind of people who must be constantly hungry and have to meticulously plan their meals leading them to have zero social skills or life (sorry vegans reading this)
* Raw veganism includes only fresh and uncooked fruit, nuts, seeds, and vegetables. These people are either dead or dying, so start planning your funeral
* Fruitarianism – this permits only fruit, nuts, seeds, and other plant matter that can be gathered without harming the plant. These people are also dead or dying.
* Macrobiotic diets – these consist mostly of whole grains and beans. These people are actually secretly horses in disguise as humans, so if you see one, be careful!

As or me I’m an unusual strain of vegetarian who consumes mostly black coffee, two minute noodles and sushi, it’s a good diet.


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