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Where Have I Been These Past Two Weeks?

May 26, 2010

As the days grow shorter, the mornings become crisp with the smell of burning wood fires and crack pipes and I bust out every stylish scarf imaginable, we all get into the groove of winter and gawk in awe at my vast VAST scarf collection.

It is for these reasons that I was unable to bring to you (the masses) my usual double post Wednesday blockbuster extravaganza of blogitude (it’s a word) you see last Tuesday, as I was getting dressed for the day ahead, after having completed two hundred stomach crunches and reaching super sayain twice. I was going into my wardrobe when what should happen? But a scarf avalanche. I was pinned underneath a two-meter wall of pure stylish cotton and synthetic materials. The very same layers that have kept me warm for so many years were now acting as the perfect muffle so my cries for help were not reaching the outside world. Oh irony thou art but a cruel thing.

Thankfully I had watched I sufficient amount of Man Vs Wild in the previous months so I was well prepared to live in any harsh environment, wardrobe included. I nourished myself on the numerous packets of coffee beans I store in my room and the apple-tini making kit I have stored kept me conversing in a suave and interesting manner to any ladies who came by (none…but just in case). Bear Grylls had trained me well, so I didn’t just survive I flourished in this unforgiving environment.

After the thirteen day mark I could see no one was coming to my rescue, and I could sense that cabin fever was setting in (or so my imaginary friend told me) so I did what anyone would have done, I cut of my own arm which was pinned, like that one guy who was trapped under that boulder that one time, only this was much worse. I barely felt a thing ad it grew back because I’m part lizard and they can just grow back things like tails as if it’s no biggie.

So expect there to be a television movie, novel and Broadway adaptation based on the movie, which was based on the book covering my ordeal.

And that is why I did not write two blogs last week, it had virtually nothing to do with the fact that I was frighteningly behind on all my university assessments……

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