Sometimes The Best Things Come In Small Packages

May 5, 2010

The need has come to my immediate attention that I’m an extremely busy man. What with my burgeoning detective agency, fields of fan mail as far as the eye can see, numerous court appearances to make also not to mention writing these uproarious and rollicking blogs for you fantastic people. So I must hire a personal assistant (or PA is what they are called in show biz, which I’m in (also “show biz” is what us in the industry call show business, it’s what I like to call an abbreviation. It saves precious time and it’s like they say, time is money (another side note, an abbreviation is what is known as a shortened word or phrase, which I learnt at uni (also in case you didn’t know uni is an abbreviation for university, a place I go to pretend I’m working and we already covered what an abbreviation is) the more you know! Because knowledge is power.

That short life lesson aside, I do need a personal assistant. I have a very high expectation of what I want and need out of my PA. I have it all in mind. The person I want for my PA is a midget. Mostly because I’m an equal opportunities employer, just ask my deaf phone assistant or my blind driver I like to help people, and really if you read that and though “but Alex they’re teeny tiny you wont get much done!” then you are wrong because these people are not small they are simply fun and pocket sized.

Midgets are really just god’s little punch lines, and who wouldn’t want that working for you? I would dress him up in a little suit and he could ride my dog like it was a horse. Oh the fun we would have. One problem I may encounter is if what if I received some incredibly good news, like say channel nine studios burnt down, he comes to me all excited and jumping up and down I may think he’s trying to tell me some kind if riddle to where his pot of gold is hidden.

I can see one downside to this, he may be late for everything but who could blame him. If I were significantly smaller I would be constantly late. If I arrived late to my job at the chocolate factory I would always have an excuse. My supervisor may ask “Alex!! Why are you late?!? I’m trying to run a chocolate factory here and I’ve got uneven numbers of oompa loompas for the dance and song numbers” “why am I late?” I would reply, “Look at these little legs! There was a puddle and I had to swim across it”

Of course the ultimate positive for hiring a midget is that, If things aren’t working out then I have it under good authority that if you hit a midget on the head with a stick he turns into fifty gold coins, its like natures refund system.


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