Archive for May, 2010

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Where Have I Been These Past Two Weeks?

May 26, 2010

As the days grow shorter, the mornings become crisp with the smell of burning wood fires and crack pipes and I bust out every stylish scarf imaginable, we all get into the groove of winter and gawk in awe at my vast VAST scarf collection.

It is for these reasons that I was unable to bring to you (the masses) my usual double post Wednesday blockbuster extravaganza of blogitude (it’s a word) you see last Tuesday, as I was getting dressed for the day ahead, after having completed two hundred stomach crunches and reaching super sayain twice. I was going into my wardrobe when what should happen? But a scarf avalanche. I was pinned underneath a two-meter wall of pure stylish cotton and synthetic materials. The very same layers that have kept me warm for so many years were now acting as the perfect muffle so my cries for help were not reaching the outside world. Oh irony thou art but a cruel thing.

Thankfully I had watched I sufficient amount of Man Vs Wild in the previous months so I was well prepared to live in any harsh environment, wardrobe included. I nourished myself on the numerous packets of coffee beans I store in my room and the apple-tini making kit I have stored kept me conversing in a suave and interesting manner to any ladies who came by (none…but just in case). Bear Grylls had trained me well, so I didn’t just survive I flourished in this unforgiving environment.

After the thirteen day mark I could see no one was coming to my rescue, and I could sense that cabin fever was setting in (or so my imaginary friend told me) so I did what anyone would have done, I cut of my own arm which was pinned, like that one guy who was trapped under that boulder that one time, only this was much worse. I barely felt a thing ad it grew back because I’m part lizard and they can just grow back things like tails as if it’s no biggie.

So expect there to be a television movie, novel and Broadway adaptation based on the movie, which was based on the book covering my ordeal.

And that is why I did not write two blogs last week, it had virtually nothing to do with the fact that I was frighteningly behind on all my university assessments……

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My New Phone Company “Yodafone” (George Lucas Please Don’t Sue Me)

May 12, 2010

I have a bone to pick, don’t worry vegetarians it a metaphorical bone, but a bone nonetheless. Like the best and richest of you, I own and flaunt a cellular phone, I know what you are thinking “how the devil can you afford that and be so handsome?” well the money I’m making from these blog-ity-ogs is nothing less than obscene. For example once upon a time I would walk into any old newsagent or Coles store march right up to the check out clerk and buy credit in TWENTY DOLLAR AMOUNTS!! “But Alex!” you are thinking, “that can cost upwards of twenty dollars!” oh I’m well aware of the cost, but back then I didn’t care. I was living in a world where I would make phone calls on a daily basis and send text messages without care for how much credit I had left, for I was king and Vodafone was my farmer working hard to bring me any goods I wished.

Those were the days, for you see I have fallen victim to “Mobile phone douche baggery”. You see this kind of thing on “Today Tonight” or “A Current Affair” and it’s easy to think “oh those poor, well educated, literate, well spoken and dressed people, but that could never happen to me, I’m too rich and white” well I was wrong, dead wrong. For just last Friday I was composing a text message, I used all the appropriately time saving and cool abbreviations, went to hit send before what should happen? Vodafone bitch slaps my phone; metaphorically once more don’t worry hordes of lawyers preparing to sue. So now I cannot receive nor send messages or make calls, I can however receive calls and play snake. So it has turned into a very expensive walkie-talkie.

Due to this violation of all that is good and true I sent this open letter to Vodafone

Dear Vodafone

Fuck you! I’m a very busy and important business man for all you know trying to make important business decisions via text message when you take a dump on my phone, and I was on a train at the time which made that situation all the more embarrassing. You are just like Hitler minus the gimmicky moustache.

Yours Sincerely, Deeply Disappointed

In light of this I have decided to start my own phone company called “Yodafone”.

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Political Rap

May 12, 2010

Lately it could be said that the blog has become too “celebrity” news oriented (but really celebrities are out betters so I just follow whatever they tell me to do) or that the blog has turned into me hatching ridiculous plans of apocalypse machines with midget assistants, but really what blog isn’t? Have you read Perez Hilton’s latest blog? Some real food for though.

So to break away from this today I will do a quick political run down of the ins and outs of the recent British happenings, mostly for those of you who don’t watch television (who doesn’t watch television?) or those of you who can’t afford a television.

Not six days ago, in the far of land known as Britain, where a cup of tea has more rights than women and Colgate clearly needs to spend more money on advertisements and awareness campaigns on dental hygiene. An election was held. I could bore you with the results, which I’m sure those educated among you already know (so not many), so I will anyway. The results in this election were what is known as a “Hung Government”, why use the word Hung? Could be some sort of male compensation thing. However in actuality it means that no party won majority seats.

So you may e wondering “how do they sort this out? Some kind of thumb wrestling tournament? Queensbury rules?” well yes and no…mostly no. It was decided that since David Cameron’s (two first names? Who does he think he is? We all know the current trend in political leader name’s is dictators, look at Barack Hussein Obama, an energy drink and dictator rolled into one) Conservative party won the most seats he would take over as knew prime minister after Gordon Brown resigned.

The youngest PM in England in nearly 200 years, Expect some craaazzy parties

Following his victory, my pal the Obama-rama was among the first to ring up with his congratulations and invite him down to the white house in the summer for some spring break shenanigans.

He won by how much? no way!

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Sometimes The Best Things Come In Small Packages

May 5, 2010

The need has come to my immediate attention that I’m an extremely busy man. What with my burgeoning detective agency, fields of fan mail as far as the eye can see, numerous court appearances to make also not to mention writing these uproarious and rollicking blogs for you fantastic people. So I must hire a personal assistant (or PA is what they are called in show biz, which I’m in (also “show biz” is what us in the industry call show business, it’s what I like to call an abbreviation. It saves precious time and it’s like they say, time is money (another side note, an abbreviation is what is known as a shortened word or phrase, which I learnt at uni (also in case you didn’t know uni is an abbreviation for university, a place I go to pretend I’m working and we already covered what an abbreviation is) the more you know! Because knowledge is power.

That short life lesson aside, I do need a personal assistant. I have a very high expectation of what I want and need out of my PA. I have it all in mind. The person I want for my PA is a midget. Mostly because I’m an equal opportunities employer, just ask my deaf phone assistant or my blind driver I like to help people, and really if you read that and though “but Alex they’re teeny tiny you wont get much done!” then you are wrong because these people are not small they are simply fun and pocket sized.

Midgets are really just god’s little punch lines, and who wouldn’t want that working for you? I would dress him up in a little suit and he could ride my dog like it was a horse. Oh the fun we would have. One problem I may encounter is if what if I received some incredibly good news, like say channel nine studios burnt down, he comes to me all excited and jumping up and down I may think he’s trying to tell me some kind if riddle to where his pot of gold is hidden.

I can see one downside to this, he may be late for everything but who could blame him. If I were significantly smaller I would be constantly late. If I arrived late to my job at the chocolate factory I would always have an excuse. My supervisor may ask “Alex!! Why are you late?!? I’m trying to run a chocolate factory here and I’ve got uneven numbers of oompa loompas for the dance and song numbers” “why am I late?” I would reply, “Look at these little legs! There was a puddle and I had to swim across it”

Of course the ultimate positive for hiring a midget is that, If things aren’t working out then I have it under good authority that if you hit a midget on the head with a stick he turns into fifty gold coins, its like natures refund system.

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Ricky Martin STILL gay?!?

May 5, 2010

yep.

here he is receiving his captain obvious prize and not being a gracious winner about it