Skills Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, If you Have Low Standards

April 28, 2010

It is an assumed societal trait which I have been noticing more and more of late that as people, we naturally are drawn to and will more often perform tasks in our spare time or even for a career that we are good at. I’m not saying this doesn’t make sense, if anything this is the most reasonable thing people would do. It would seem ludicrous if someone was to be a Coles or Kmart clerk for their entire life if they didn’t enjoy it right? (Or maybe the more sad and pathetic case is true here and this is all they could do) or someone wouldn’t be president of the United States for eight years if they weren’t good at it or didn’t enjoy it right? It just makes sense.

To comply with my newly invented social contract of people doing what they either (a) enjoy doing or (b) it was their last option so they had to, since their preferred job of playboy photographer/professional Doritos eater didn’t pan out. People must at some point in their lives perform some sort of self-evaluation to identify what skills they obtain. I to performed this, unfortunately it made me realize, I don’t have a lot of useful skills to offer, unless you consider making microwave pizza and drinking to much and crying while watching the O.C to be of great use, then please hire me.

In all honesty if I list my top five favorite things to do which I consider myself to be greatly skilled at, I think you will all be blown away at why I’m not the next Donald Trump, for I clearly hold some serous entrepreneur skills. They way I did the math here is my skill set:

(1)    Drinking Coffee and always complaining about the quality. With such great lines like “the coffee in the Blue Mountains is much better then Sydney” or “did you see they way she stretched the milk ALL WRONG”

(2)    Wearing cardigans, thick frame glasses and pretending to read prose fiction in public, like “house of leaves” or “Naked Lunch” (FYI not nearly as sexy as you would think from the title) and then muttering under my breath “of course….it was the butler who killed her with the lead pipe in the study”

(3)    Bringing up bands/movies I’m certain no one has heard of to discuss, then on the of chance someone has heard of them I immediately call them (the band) a sell out. When asked why it was the moment that person knew of them.

(4)    Making microwave pizza then eating it while watching “A current affair” or “Today Tonight” and getting immensely infuriated but also enjoying my delicious pizza snack.

(5)    Anyone who knows me can probably attest to this, I will say before we go out to say a party or a bar “you know what, I think I may only have one or two drinks tonight and that’s it” I will say this with complete conviction for I believe this to be true, next thing I know I’m waking up the next morning with a hang over that could slay a polar bear.
Damn, so I think I started to write this post with the full intention of making some truly profound statements and points but I seem to have lost track. I think what I’m trying to say here is that I’m extremely employable for any job.


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