Dear 1990s, You Have Some Explaining To Do

April 21, 2010

I was lucky enough to be born on the cusp of what was possibly one of the greatest decades, the 1990s. It was truly a glorious time, thanks to nirvana plaid and flannel shirts which cost 50 cents for a pack of fifty were considered fashionable, Vanilla Ice had just released his seminal debut album “to the extreme” and suddenly it was cool to be white again. America had seven relatively good and seductive years under the watchful and pervy eye of Bill Clinton. All in all things were good, however underneath the surface evil things were brewing. Like maybe one day someone in passing told lady gaga she had talent which then gave her the encouragement to dress like an oompa loompa and write songs about love sticks, or the fateful evening in 1993 when the sickly sweet Justin Bieber was born.  And for this I want an apology from this decade. So here are just some of the things wrong from this forgettable period of history.

koRn, Giving the middle finger to grammar everywhere

The first thing I blame this decade for is the band known as KoRn. Oh what’s that Microsoft work spell-check? That’s not how you spell corn? Oh they know, and what’s this? A capital letter IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORD? That’s how goddamn bad ass this band is, they don’t care about proper spelling or grammar, they just kick spelling and grammar right in the balls and laugh, take that societal expectations. They exploded onto the music scene in 1994 with their cleverly titled debut album KoRn. This was angry white music, made for angry white teenagers by angry white teenagers. Since it is so hard to be white in this day and age what with all the discrimination and unequal rights, it makes me vomit with rage.

Tracksuits, The uniform for anguish everwhere

This band also started perhaps one of the worst trends, tracksuits. That’s right what should you wear while performing in arenas and lazing around on your couch while eating Doritos? That’s right a tracksuit. Hell one of their songs is even called A.D.I.D.A.S, curse you capitalism.

So round it could almost be used as an umbrella

The next thing wrong with this decade is a hairstyle. While the 1970s had the rebellious leanings of hairdos like the Mohawk saying “fuck you gravity! I will do what I want!” and the 1980s had crazy mullets saying “fuck you common sense and fashion sensibility I will do what I want!” the hair do I recall the most was the bowl cut. Oh yes haven’t you ever walked past the dishes aisle in your local shopping store “my god look at those cereal cowls! If only I could capture their semi spherical beauty…on my head”

Television: Destroying communication skills since the 1950s

Another plight that this decade has inflicted upon us is the television program captain planet. This may cause controversy and don’t get me wrong I adore this show too, however I feel we love it a little too much. This show has destroyed any conversational skills we once had. How often have you been sitting around with friends when a pause occurs in the conversation only for this pause to be filled by someone saying “dude do you remember captain planet?!?!” then everyone’s faces light up in excitement as they recall this green mullet wearing earth lover. In the end this situation always dissolves into someone trying to sing the theme song before realizing that they don’t know anything past the first verse. Did you even get this far in the paragraph without humming the song?

Surely some of you have also seen this show?

This next and last gripe is a little more esoteric but I feel it has had just as large an impact. I speak of a little known television show called “Biker mice from mars” when I was a youngster I loved this show, and it is exactly what the title says it is. It follows the adventures of oversized mice from the planet mars who ride kick ass motorbikes and fight evil, sounds awesome right? Well it is! The only problem is I have only met one other person ever who has seen this show. So whenever I speak of this show everyone just gives me blank and worried looks. As if to say “oh poor Alex he was clearly dropped on his head as a child numerous times as a child or took a lot of acid and dreamt up this imaginary show of giant mice from mars riding motor bikes”
Also hurray it’s double post Wednesday!


One comment

  1. I remember Biker Mice from Mars!!! That was a wicked show. Oh wow, that brings back memories. I think I had a video of it. Maybe I’ll go look for it.

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