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The Left Wing Love Child After School Special: Drugs and How They Will Rape Your Life

April 14, 2010

Ok kids, the time has come, I think you are all old enough and ready for this. Lets talk about drugs. Now i come under constant fire from all kinds of people saying “Alex there is no way you can be this witty, charming and handsome without some kind of performance enhancing creams” and I always answer the same way, I know its hard to believe but this is all natural. Sure I had to train hard at my art, I studied for many years under Mr Miyagi. He taught me all kinds of things mostly about karate, putting wax on and off and some bullshit about a crane I wasn’t paying much attention.

Drugs are everywhere these days, at bars, clubs, schools, trains, kitchens, google (oh yeah! it’s a place) even your dog. I don’t mean to scare you but these are the facts (plus I saw your dog trying to pawn one of his chew toys for some crack money) I read in a book once that over 70% of the American population has tried Meth!! That’s some serious shit. Don’t dispute me, I read that in a book once, written by a guy…who writes books.

I think people are getting more and more bored by your daily run of the mill drugs. How else can you explain the craze of the drug “Meow Meow”?. When I first heard this term I thought it was a new kind of cat food and since the junkies are so poor they were forced to eat it. The Junkies must have had a conference (the poorest organized conference in the world, it probably took place in a train station bathroom and it probably didn’t have any kind of refreshments) were they decided “you know what? Heroins boooring. When I’m high I can barely utter a word but I can do some pretty convincing animal noises so let’s make the next drug just an animal sound?”

The biggest place for concern in terms of drug consumption is in the sporting orl. Which actually doesn’t make much sense, shouldn’t we be more worried about bus drivers being crazy high? Considering that if they are and then make a mistake people die. Whereas if a sporting person abuses steroids what’s the worst that can happen? Crazy mutant long jumpers who can jump across continents? Or will swimmers grow mutated gills and be like aqua man?……..dear god! that would be terrifying, all you athletes out there stop it!

Two of my favorite sport drug stories are these, which follow. The first is about the baseball player Dock Ellis. He was a player in the 1970s who supposedly got seven one hitters in a row while high on acid! This blows my mind. Now I don’t know what a one hitter is and I can’t be bothered to research it and find out (I’m not getting paid enough to do that) but I’m assuming it’s a good thing. He did this while on acid, he must have thought the ball was on fire and the bat was a cobra trying to eat him and he thought he had to kill it by striking it with the fireball.

The last one is the infamous of story of swimmer Michael Phelps, the man who won America a million medals at the Beijing Olympics (trust me I checked wikipedia and it’s a million). Shortly after the games in early 2009 a British tabloid published a photo of him smoking some marijuana from a bong!!!! I was shocked as was the entire sporting world “an athlete doing drugs?! Who ever heard of such preposterous things!”. Following this he was suspended from swimming for three months and his sponsorship with Kellogg’s was canceled. This scared him “oh no what will I eat when I have the munchies?” he probably wondered. well you should of thought of that dope fiend Phelps (new nick name?) before you let people take pictures of you at parties. Although in reality marijuana is a very poor drug for performance enhancing, Unless they put a snickers bar at the end of the pool.

My final thought to share with you is this, in this day an age why can’t athletes use performance-enhancing drugs? I want athletes to be like the anime or video games I play, enormous.

Something else to note, this is the first in what shall be known as double post Wednesdays!!!!! Something to get you through the most depressing day of the week. So look underneath this post for an extra bonus blog.

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