Archive for April, 2010

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Skills Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, If you Have Low Standards

April 28, 2010

It is an assumed societal trait which I have been noticing more and more of late that as people, we naturally are drawn to and will more often perform tasks in our spare time or even for a career that we are good at. I’m not saying this doesn’t make sense, if anything this is the most reasonable thing people would do. It would seem ludicrous if someone was to be a Coles or Kmart clerk for their entire life if they didn’t enjoy it right? (Or maybe the more sad and pathetic case is true here and this is all they could do) or someone wouldn’t be president of the United States for eight years if they weren’t good at it or didn’t enjoy it right? It just makes sense.

To comply with my newly invented social contract of people doing what they either (a) enjoy doing or (b) it was their last option so they had to, since their preferred job of playboy photographer/professional Doritos eater didn’t pan out. People must at some point in their lives perform some sort of self-evaluation to identify what skills they obtain. I to performed this, unfortunately it made me realize, I don’t have a lot of useful skills to offer, unless you consider making microwave pizza and drinking to much and crying while watching the O.C to be of great use, then please hire me.

In all honesty if I list my top five favorite things to do which I consider myself to be greatly skilled at, I think you will all be blown away at why I’m not the next Donald Trump, for I clearly hold some serous entrepreneur skills. They way I did the math here is my skill set:

(1)    Drinking Coffee and always complaining about the quality. With such great lines like “the coffee in the Blue Mountains is much better then Sydney” or “did you see they way she stretched the milk ALL WRONG”

(2)    Wearing cardigans, thick frame glasses and pretending to read prose fiction in public, like “house of leaves” or “Naked Lunch” (FYI not nearly as sexy as you would think from the title) and then muttering under my breath “of course….it was the butler who killed her with the lead pipe in the study”

(3)    Bringing up bands/movies I’m certain no one has heard of to discuss, then on the of chance someone has heard of them I immediately call them (the band) a sell out. When asked why it was the moment that person knew of them.

(4)    Making microwave pizza then eating it while watching “A current affair” or “Today Tonight” and getting immensely infuriated but also enjoying my delicious pizza snack.

(5)    Anyone who knows me can probably attest to this, I will say before we go out to say a party or a bar “you know what, I think I may only have one or two drinks tonight and that’s it” I will say this with complete conviction for I believe this to be true, next thing I know I’m waking up the next morning with a hang over that could slay a polar bear.
Damn, so I think I started to write this post with the full intention of making some truly profound statements and points but I seem to have lost track. I think what I’m trying to say here is that I’m extremely employable for any job.

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Behind The Music: Justin Bieber – Riots, Money & Bedtimes

April 28, 2010

If you are above the age of fourteen and a male or a person who doesn’t like awful things, then you may not be aware of the odd condition that is sweeping the planet. I speak of course of “BIEBER FEVER” not to be confused with the equally contagious and deadly “BEAVER FEVER” this condition is fairly easy to spot and watch out because they have been known to riot at the drop of a hat. You can spot someone who loves the Bieb’s by the following:

•    Female (I’m sorry if you’re a male fan reading this but honestly if you do like him you probably should not admit to it, because a middle aged man liking the music made by a sixteen year old boy? Seems very creepy)
•    They are predominately deaf. How else could you explain them liking such awful music?
•    They are also prone to violent outbursts, exemplified by the numerous violent crowd incidents causing many a show to be canceled. My theory; terrible music made these people angry and violent. You never see people riot at a Bloc Party show.

Do you think he wears a digital watch because he hasn't learnt how to read analog yet?

My main problem with the Biebs is this. he is incredibly young. So it seems only obvious that any and possible all of the lyrics and music he is “writing” is being placed in his mouth by a giant team of composers and lyricists. This isn’t a fault of his at all, no sixteen year old should be forced to write such incredibly hard songs with rhyming schemes around the word “Baby” I can hardly maybe think of any rabies inflicted person who could.

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Dear 1990s, You Have Some Explaining To Do

April 21, 2010

I was lucky enough to be born on the cusp of what was possibly one of the greatest decades, the 1990s. It was truly a glorious time, thanks to nirvana plaid and flannel shirts which cost 50 cents for a pack of fifty were considered fashionable, Vanilla Ice had just released his seminal debut album “to the extreme” and suddenly it was cool to be white again. America had seven relatively good and seductive years under the watchful and pervy eye of Bill Clinton. All in all things were good, however underneath the surface evil things were brewing. Like maybe one day someone in passing told lady gaga she had talent which then gave her the encouragement to dress like an oompa loompa and write songs about love sticks, or the fateful evening in 1993 when the sickly sweet Justin Bieber was born.  And for this I want an apology from this decade. So here are just some of the things wrong from this forgettable period of history.

koRn, Giving the middle finger to grammar everywhere

The first thing I blame this decade for is the band known as KoRn. Oh what’s that Microsoft work spell-check? That’s not how you spell corn? Oh they know, and what’s this? A capital letter IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORD? That’s how goddamn bad ass this band is, they don’t care about proper spelling or grammar, they just kick spelling and grammar right in the balls and laugh, take that societal expectations. They exploded onto the music scene in 1994 with their cleverly titled debut album KoRn. This was angry white music, made for angry white teenagers by angry white teenagers. Since it is so hard to be white in this day and age what with all the discrimination and unequal rights, it makes me vomit with rage.

Tracksuits, The uniform for anguish everwhere

This band also started perhaps one of the worst trends, tracksuits. That’s right what should you wear while performing in arenas and lazing around on your couch while eating Doritos? That’s right a tracksuit. Hell one of their songs is even called A.D.I.D.A.S, curse you capitalism.

So round it could almost be used as an umbrella

The next thing wrong with this decade is a hairstyle. While the 1970s had the rebellious leanings of hairdos like the Mohawk saying “fuck you gravity! I will do what I want!” and the 1980s had crazy mullets saying “fuck you common sense and fashion sensibility I will do what I want!” the hair do I recall the most was the bowl cut. Oh yes haven’t you ever walked past the dishes aisle in your local shopping store “my god look at those cereal cowls! If only I could capture their semi spherical beauty…on my head”

Television: Destroying communication skills since the 1950s

Another plight that this decade has inflicted upon us is the television program captain planet. This may cause controversy and don’t get me wrong I adore this show too, however I feel we love it a little too much. This show has destroyed any conversational skills we once had. How often have you been sitting around with friends when a pause occurs in the conversation only for this pause to be filled by someone saying “dude do you remember captain planet?!?!” then everyone’s faces light up in excitement as they recall this green mullet wearing earth lover. In the end this situation always dissolves into someone trying to sing the theme song before realizing that they don’t know anything past the first verse. Did you even get this far in the paragraph without humming the song?

Surely some of you have also seen this show?

This next and last gripe is a little more esoteric but I feel it has had just as large an impact. I speak of a little known television show called “Biker mice from mars” when I was a youngster I loved this show, and it is exactly what the title says it is. It follows the adventures of oversized mice from the planet mars who ride kick ass motorbikes and fight evil, sounds awesome right? Well it is! The only problem is I have only met one other person ever who has seen this show. So whenever I speak of this show everyone just gives me blank and worried looks. As if to say “oh poor Alex he was clearly dropped on his head as a child numerous times as a child or took a lot of acid and dreamt up this imaginary show of giant mice from mars riding motor bikes”
Also hurray it’s double post Wednesday!

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Lynx: Smell The Same As Everyone Else!

April 21, 2010

If you are a male, you live in Australia and you don’t want to smell like a pile of dirt sexed up by a homeless man then you only have one real choice, you use the antiperspirant spray lynx. In all seriousness what other body spray option is there? They should change their tag line to “You can use Lynx or FUCK OFF!”

After some inspection of the fragrances they offer I find myself a tad worried. The first being Phoenix, wow that sounds sexy and mysterious you’re probably thinking. Well you would be wrong. Phoenix’s were originally a mythical bird originating from Persian and Greek Mythology, who would combust into flames until they were nothing more than a pile of ashes where a new bird would rise from these ashes. Now the contents of deodorant are notoriously flammable so I don’t want to be sitting in a uni lecture or working at my night job of meth labs. Just minding my own business when I suddenly explode in a glorious ball of fire, only difference is I wont rise from the ashes. Perhaps this is the orgin of the spontaneous combustion urban legends? I think I just solved another mystery, your welcome society.

Maths has never been so sexy

One last thing to note of this brand of deodorant is the mathematical equation which is located on the back of most cans. I don’t know who figured this out but they need to se a calculator or double check their answers because whenever I try it I get something like this.

But maths is usually this sad

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The Left Wing Love Child After School Special: Drugs and How They Will Rape Your Life

April 14, 2010

Ok kids, the time has come, I think you are all old enough and ready for this. Lets talk about drugs. Now i come under constant fire from all kinds of people saying “Alex there is no way you can be this witty, charming and handsome without some kind of performance enhancing creams” and I always answer the same way, I know its hard to believe but this is all natural. Sure I had to train hard at my art, I studied for many years under Mr Miyagi. He taught me all kinds of things mostly about karate, putting wax on and off and some bullshit about a crane I wasn’t paying much attention.

Drugs are everywhere these days, at bars, clubs, schools, trains, kitchens, google (oh yeah! it’s a place) even your dog. I don’t mean to scare you but these are the facts (plus I saw your dog trying to pawn one of his chew toys for some crack money) I read in a book once that over 70% of the American population has tried Meth!! That’s some serious shit. Don’t dispute me, I read that in a book once, written by a guy…who writes books.

I think people are getting more and more bored by your daily run of the mill drugs. How else can you explain the craze of the drug “Meow Meow”?. When I first heard this term I thought it was a new kind of cat food and since the junkies are so poor they were forced to eat it. The Junkies must have had a conference (the poorest organized conference in the world, it probably took place in a train station bathroom and it probably didn’t have any kind of refreshments) were they decided “you know what? Heroins boooring. When I’m high I can barely utter a word but I can do some pretty convincing animal noises so let’s make the next drug just an animal sound?”

The biggest place for concern in terms of drug consumption is in the sporting orl. Which actually doesn’t make much sense, shouldn’t we be more worried about bus drivers being crazy high? Considering that if they are and then make a mistake people die. Whereas if a sporting person abuses steroids what’s the worst that can happen? Crazy mutant long jumpers who can jump across continents? Or will swimmers grow mutated gills and be like aqua man?……..dear god! that would be terrifying, all you athletes out there stop it!

Two of my favorite sport drug stories are these, which follow. The first is about the baseball player Dock Ellis. He was a player in the 1970s who supposedly got seven one hitters in a row while high on acid! This blows my mind. Now I don’t know what a one hitter is and I can’t be bothered to research it and find out (I’m not getting paid enough to do that) but I’m assuming it’s a good thing. He did this while on acid, he must have thought the ball was on fire and the bat was a cobra trying to eat him and he thought he had to kill it by striking it with the fireball.

The last one is the infamous of story of swimmer Michael Phelps, the man who won America a million medals at the Beijing Olympics (trust me I checked wikipedia and it’s a million). Shortly after the games in early 2009 a British tabloid published a photo of him smoking some marijuana from a bong!!!! I was shocked as was the entire sporting world “an athlete doing drugs?! Who ever heard of such preposterous things!”. Following this he was suspended from swimming for three months and his sponsorship with Kellogg’s was canceled. This scared him “oh no what will I eat when I have the munchies?” he probably wondered. well you should of thought of that dope fiend Phelps (new nick name?) before you let people take pictures of you at parties. Although in reality marijuana is a very poor drug for performance enhancing, Unless they put a snickers bar at the end of the pool.

My final thought to share with you is this, in this day an age why can’t athletes use performance-enhancing drugs? I want athletes to be like the anime or video games I play, enormous.

Something else to note, this is the first in what shall be known as double post Wednesdays!!!!! Something to get you through the most depressing day of the week. So look underneath this post for an extra bonus blog.

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Cadbury, More like Crapbury!

April 14, 2010

New way to diet, replace space that was once filled with chocolate and instead create an air bubble.

This is the new creation from Cadbury. It’s called “Cadbury Bubbly”. This is what people really want in their chocolate snacks, more air! Ammirite? Yeah I’m right.

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Money Buys Happiness?

April 7, 2010

I’m under the strict belief that money does indeed lead to and is a direct catalyst of happiness. Just ask me, I’m constantly happy and wealthy beyond your wildest dreams my friend. Rich in a spiritual sense (take that Gandhi, what are you going to do about it? Nothing because you don’t believe in violence) or if there is a sudden market collapse which in all seriousness could happen any day now, causing the new currency of choice to be fringe which I have a large abundance of.

Why do I think that money can buy happiness? There are three reasons. They first being that money will buy you a jet ski. I have done the math, double checked it with my secret laboratory filled with scientists and triple checked it with Wikipedia and it is physically impossible to frown when you are on a jet ski, it just can’t be done. If you try a black hole will form and you will be sucked into oblivion.

Even Simon Cowell, Renowned Crusher of Dreams, who In his spare time he enjoys pushing children of their swing sets can't help but smile.

It is a well-known and well-advertised fact that if you have more money than people will like you a lot more for it. Have you ever seen a homeless person with a MySpace page full of friends? Neither have I, and this is because what can a homeless person do for you? Remind you to prepare for the future and not make poor life decisions? Maybe. Could they shower you with fantastic gifts and take you to a five star fine dinner extravaganza? No.

How Often Do You See This? A Bunch Right?

Lastly I recently watched the latest Michael Moore film “Capitalism: A Love Story”. I’m a very observant person and the main message I got from this film was that there is no downside to capitalism, in an economy controlled by the people based purely on what is in demand there can be no downside. This is by the same population who thought that once the reality series Laguna beach was over they had not had enough of this raw drama so they demanded another show which is what gave birth to The Hills. Thanks America we owe you.

Just a regular Ol' Money Bath. Captalism at it's Best