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Oprah Vs. God

March 6, 2010

In today’s media saturated culture it ha to be wondered who has the most influence and power. A beloved, ageless, omnipresent, wise and blacktastic television presenter such as Oprah or God, the guy who killed Jesus (he kinda did, he is GOD so if he really wanted to keep Jesus alive he could have just sent down some unicorns shooting lasers from their hooves to stop the Romans from killing him but no). Right of the bat I will give Oprah five points, for being black. I still feel guilty about the whole slavery thing. I mean I didn’t do it but maybe there was something I could have done.

  • Round 1: The best present of all, physical commodities.

In a classic Oprah move, in 2004 she surprised the entire world (even Antarctica) by giving every single person in the audience a Pontiac G6. With its panoramic sunroof, remote control start and extra large sized seats for the average sized Oprah viewer to place their ego upon, this seems like the best gift someone could give and it wasn’t even their birthdays.

Following this bold move, I thought perhaps God felt threatened. So for a while i would pray with one thought in mind “can I have a jetpack, trampoline room, light saber and a hover skate board (like in back to the future 2 aaaaaww yeah)” I would then check under my seat to see if God had provided, Needless to say for the greater part of the year 2004 I was sorely disappointed. Why couldn’t God be more like the Genie from Aladdin?

I pondered this for what felt like ten minutes until I gave up and did what all good researchers do, went on Wikipedia. This is where I stumbled up “God’s Gift” not the gift of the potential found in tem cell research or a never ending bag of Doritos but this is a rap album, not just any Rap album one which is also accompanied by a movie of the same name starring the rapper himself Romeo.
Here is the chorus of said song:

“You can’t shine like me
Wanna ride like me
Pull dimes like me if you ain’t from the streets
Ima hood star you know who I’m is I rock big ice you cant live how I live”

I will now translate this for you so it actually reads like a coherent sentence:

“You would appear inadequate or inferior if compared to me
You desire to attain the same skills at riding a bicycles or other wheeled modes of transport
You cannot acquire currency in a street acceptable manner as well as me, for my heritage is primarily derived from the suburbs
I get praise for wearing jumpers with a hood attached so my hair doesn’t get wet in the rain; I put ice in my beverages to keep them at below room temperature. You aspire to be as commercially successful as me.

If this is truly Gods gift to the world then I say “bad god, No! Go to your room and think about what you have done”
So in the first round Oprah wins

  • Round 2: Bringin’ the wrath!

While on the outside Oprah may seem to be the best friend you wish you had. Rich, influential, owns a jet and an ice-cream factory (not really, but wouldn’t that be awesome) she can also be harsh and wrathful when wrong has been done to her. This happened during a 2006 appearance of the author James Frey, who wrote the memoir “A million little pieces”; Oprah endorsed this book on her book club. Feeling sorry for this poor tortured soul who had struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. It was some time after this that it was uncovered that many of the events written in this book were actually entirely fictional; he had fooled a nation but not a talk show host. Oprah insisted on having hum back on, in what first appeared to be a civil visit for him to apologize to his readers for lying about these events. Instead Oprah verbally bitch slapped him and simultaneously gained my respect.

Whereas when God ever wanted to bring the wrath there was never any subtly about it, Such as the story of the town of Sodom. In this town evil things were going down, such as…butt sex….yeah. So instead of telling these people that it wasn’t cool to enjoy each other in such a manner he brought the fire and brimstone down upon them.

Now while God’s approach is direct and to the point I feel as though in our modern world if it isn’t on television or the Internet than who really cares? So round two is once more won by Oprah. Meaning that Oprah has beaten God in the first of many holy battles.

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