Archive for March, 2010

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Ricky Martin, Gay?!?

March 31, 2010

In recent celebrity news it is being reported that Ricky Martin has admitted to the world that he is indeed gay. This came as a total surprise

If this man can be gay then all the ideals and beliefs I once held are now under question.

Just two Bro's hanging out, this is what I do every Sunday

This picture for example is clearly as heterosexual as it gets. What is gay about this? He is just having a regular day at the beach with his bro. just doing some push ups with his bro, comparing biceps, which I do all the time. Playing a game of what I assume is heterosexual beach wrestling.

If he is indeed gay kudos to him for having the courage to stand up to all his redneck, judgmental fans who I’m sure loved his blend of Latin pop and disco music, and danced constantly to his songs “living la vida loca” while harvesting their crops and drinking moon shine. It may take some getting used to but I think the world will adjust.

If this is true then we must also question other truths we once thought.

Like maybe Perez Hilton is gay?

Ladies?

Nah

Or maybe Paris Hilton didn’t graduate college with masters in medical science?

Is there a link between the name Hilton and awful people?

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Solving World Poverty By 2090

March 24, 2010

It was a dark and stormy night; the air was filled with trite and hackneyed narration like “dark and stormy” which only lazy authors use or postmodern authors who are being ironic by using such an overused description. I was sitting in my room pretending to be writing my presentation, which was due the next morning when my mother asked me if I could go and pick my sister up from her Christian youth group. My ears instantly bled from these words being uttered, but I though. I was thought the words “Alex” and “Christian” being spoken in the same sentence would cause the universe to implode due to the sheer oxymoronic nature of it, since it did not I shrugged it of and went on my merry way.

Upon my arrival I almost had quite the embarrassing Freudian slip. When the organizer came towards me, arms outstretched in anticipation for a man on man embrace (even though the bible tells him he shouldn’t hug men only hand shake and not even that for longer than five seconds or it could cause gay) nonetheless we share a hug before he asked me who I was picking up. I said, “Oh I’m here to pick up my sister from your club of lies and false hope…oops I meant Christianity”. Luckily due to my suave nature and some distracting dance moves he didn’t notice this lapse in my normally casual and not offensive demeanor.

After shaking of feelings of surprise from not bursting into flames upon impact from this overly touchy grown Christian man or if there is a God perhaps he should have sizzled from contact with such a blasphemous person, score one Alex – nil religion (that’s right I’m keeping count). I gazed at the walls and this is when I noticed a poster, but not just any poster. One of the most blind and misguiding posters I’ve ever seen. It read like this:

Christianity: Curing world Poverty by 2020

Really? Aiming a little high there aren’t we tiny church in Wentworth Falls? How exactly are we going to solve the world of any poverty? I think the average Christian might say “I’ma gonna pray so hard, just put these two hands together as hard as I can, the balls in your court now God and Jesus. I’m praying for a subway, a McDonalds and a KFC in every town in every country. That’ll solve the problem” unless bibles are also edible than I don’t think Christianity will be helping anyone soon.

In reaction to this I have decided to set a reasonable goal for us here at Left Wing Love Child to throw our hat into the ring of solving world poverty. I believe that John and I can solve this by the year 2090. They way I have this figured out one of two things will happen, either:
(a)    Someone else does it for us and we assassinate them and take all the credit
(b)    Or, the year 2090 I pretty far away and in all honesty we will probably be dead, and there is nothing more heroic than dying before your cause has realized its goals. Just ask Bono former lead singer of U2…he’s

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The Results Are In

March 16, 2010

Recently some of you took part in an IQ test, and I have the results! I’m sorry it took so long but I had to hire a statistician to help me calculate the great enormity of numbers, means, mode and other math type gibberish. The news is good, none of you are as moronic as Canada, most of you scored exceptionally well with the odd exception scoring slightly lower. Don’t worry I will guide you through the test results much the same as Bert Newton skillfully guides my funny bone to hilarity on twenty to one (who knew counting backwards could be so fun? Its entertainment and educational, its entercationl) or the way Moses skillfully led the Israelites away from Egypt and to freedom, sure this freedom was the desert where they wandered around for 40 years but still…beats slavery.

Those of you who answered the question with “Parade Of Fireworks” congratulations, you are at a Mensa level of intellect. Which sounds good until I found out that Mensa translates into table in Latin, plus they advertise this fact by having a table in their logo. A table is the best they could come up with? A table is a mere carpenters job. That is why I will be making a new intellectual (elitist) society called “Praestans” this would simply translates to superior in Latin.

The one person who answered “Fireworks” also do not fear, for you could have done worse. While this is a good choice, fireworks are fun, bright, shiny and loud there is not enough danger involved, sure someone might blow their hand of or a wild fire may spread but these are all simple possibilities. With a fireworks parade there is almost a guarantee something will go wrong, when considered that these parade floats will have to travel at speeds exceeding 80 Km/h while having fireworks explode at them. Sore the insurance may be pricey but I’m positive people will pay to see cars parade floats blown up, because if this study has shown anything it is that no one likes parades.

Thankfully not one single reader answered that they would like to go to a parade instead of one of the other two fantastically spectacular and often life threatening choices. If you had answered this then you clearly make terrible decisions in life and you would have most likely clicked that option on the poll from the homeless shelter where you live (a very fancy homeless shelter with wireless internet, hobos have to check their facebook too!). Parades are the bane of society and the sooner people realize this the sooner we can evolve as a culture and develop hover cars and anti gravity boots.

So in summary well done everyone, I’m proud of you

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Oprah Vs. God

March 6, 2010

In today’s media saturated culture it ha to be wondered who has the most influence and power. A beloved, ageless, omnipresent, wise and blacktastic television presenter such as Oprah or God, the guy who killed Jesus (he kinda did, he is GOD so if he really wanted to keep Jesus alive he could have just sent down some unicorns shooting lasers from their hooves to stop the Romans from killing him but no). Right of the bat I will give Oprah five points, for being black. I still feel guilty about the whole slavery thing. I mean I didn’t do it but maybe there was something I could have done.

  • Round 1: The best present of all, physical commodities.

In a classic Oprah move, in 2004 she surprised the entire world (even Antarctica) by giving every single person in the audience a Pontiac G6. With its panoramic sunroof, remote control start and extra large sized seats for the average sized Oprah viewer to place their ego upon, this seems like the best gift someone could give and it wasn’t even their birthdays.

Following this bold move, I thought perhaps God felt threatened. So for a while i would pray with one thought in mind “can I have a jetpack, trampoline room, light saber and a hover skate board (like in back to the future 2 aaaaaww yeah)” I would then check under my seat to see if God had provided, Needless to say for the greater part of the year 2004 I was sorely disappointed. Why couldn’t God be more like the Genie from Aladdin?

I pondered this for what felt like ten minutes until I gave up and did what all good researchers do, went on Wikipedia. This is where I stumbled up “God’s Gift” not the gift of the potential found in tem cell research or a never ending bag of Doritos but this is a rap album, not just any Rap album one which is also accompanied by a movie of the same name starring the rapper himself Romeo.
Here is the chorus of said song:

“You can’t shine like me
Wanna ride like me
Pull dimes like me if you ain’t from the streets
Ima hood star you know who I’m is I rock big ice you cant live how I live”

I will now translate this for you so it actually reads like a coherent sentence:

“You would appear inadequate or inferior if compared to me
You desire to attain the same skills at riding a bicycles or other wheeled modes of transport
You cannot acquire currency in a street acceptable manner as well as me, for my heritage is primarily derived from the suburbs
I get praise for wearing jumpers with a hood attached so my hair doesn’t get wet in the rain; I put ice in my beverages to keep them at below room temperature. You aspire to be as commercially successful as me.

If this is truly Gods gift to the world then I say “bad god, No! Go to your room and think about what you have done”
So in the first round Oprah wins

  • Round 2: Bringin’ the wrath!

While on the outside Oprah may seem to be the best friend you wish you had. Rich, influential, owns a jet and an ice-cream factory (not really, but wouldn’t that be awesome) she can also be harsh and wrathful when wrong has been done to her. This happened during a 2006 appearance of the author James Frey, who wrote the memoir “A million little pieces”; Oprah endorsed this book on her book club. Feeling sorry for this poor tortured soul who had struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. It was some time after this that it was uncovered that many of the events written in this book were actually entirely fictional; he had fooled a nation but not a talk show host. Oprah insisted on having hum back on, in what first appeared to be a civil visit for him to apologize to his readers for lying about these events. Instead Oprah verbally bitch slapped him and simultaneously gained my respect.

Whereas when God ever wanted to bring the wrath there was never any subtly about it, Such as the story of the town of Sodom. In this town evil things were going down, such as…butt sex….yeah. So instead of telling these people that it wasn’t cool to enjoy each other in such a manner he brought the fire and brimstone down upon them.

Now while God’s approach is direct and to the point I feel as though in our modern world if it isn’t on television or the Internet than who really cares? So round two is once more won by Oprah. Meaning that Oprah has beaten God in the first of many holy battles.

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Quick IQ Test

March 3, 2010

This is a very short (and for some) easy intelligence test. some of you may struggle for hours writing out countless numbers of equations, you may worry about it, lose sleep over it and trust me if it takes you that long to think of the right answer than you should lose sleep because you clearly have no promising future. I will reveal the correct answer next week.