Practicality In Religion, If It’s There I Will Find It!

February 9, 2010

Many people may be worried, has the church sued Alex? Or has god sent down an almighty plague upon him to cause his fingers to spontaneously combust whenever he types a mean blog about his homeboy Jesus. Well the answer is no, you know the saying don’t beat a dead horse? Well beating up a crucified savior isn’t much better, so I decided to let him be for a few months, until now.

My entire life I have often pondered why people are drawn into religion. It made sense for people to believe in religion during the dark ages, considering that they didn’t even know what Skype or microwave burritos were, seriously how could you live without microwaving a delicious snack and then talking about for free over the internet? They were truly savages. Yet still to this day people are drawn into the seductive allure of church early in on Sunday mornings and the only sleeping pill you don’t need a prescription for “The Bible”. This Phenomenon bewildered me to no end, until now. I have recently discovered that when considered in a practical sense the appeal of religion may become apparent.

Christianity: many probably think, “Where is the logic in this? Are you trying to tell me that while God does indeed love every human he also wont let us into heaven due to a petty grudge over eating an apple in the garden of Eden?” if this is so then God will eternally be pissed of at me because I had at least three apples today. What circle of hell would that fall under? The healthy yet forbidden food groups? This silly little misunderstanding aside Christianity is the perfect religion for anyone who hates to work Sundays or enjoys drinking his or her weight in alcohol on a regular Saturday night then you can take the entire of Sunday to either have your stomach pumped or walk it off. You can do all of this because the Sabbath conveniently falls on a Sunday.

Are we actually meant to believe that the reason God put the Sabbath on this day was because he got tired? This is the same person who created coral reefs, wide majestic canyons, snow capped breathtaking behemoth sized mountains and the complexity of the human digestive system, yet he got tired and so wanted a day to just put his feet up and watch some Seinfeld episodes. Who can’t appreciate that?

Catholicism: one of the more controversial religions lately (up there with scientology and Kabala i.e. Madonna’s bastardized attempt at spirituality). This religion has it all, including more beads than Mardi Gras (although these beads come with a different rosary you have to say for each bead, whereas beads you get from mardi gras you may just have to be tested for infection from every bead you touch) there’s also a healthy dose of abusive nuns to instill the fear of God into all children under the age of eight years of age.

So you may be questioning “well that all sounds awful!” not true my friends. Since in the Catholic Church they have what is known as Communion, this summed up is more or less snack time in church, except with booze and crackers. Feeling restless and tired in that early morning service? No Problem! Have some red wine and cracker to wake you up or Forgot to have breakfast before you left? Now worries you can have all he crackers you can fit in your mouth! (Probably not considering that they believe that it is the body and blood of Christ, but still…free food)

Or forgot to visit the gym this week? And feeling a little bit tubby from pigging out on crackers and wine? No reason to fear, for in a regular catholic service you will be likely to sit, stand, sit, stand, stand, kneel, stand then sit. The perfect cardio work out for a Sunday morning.


One comment

  1. I have a hard time seeing through the snarky comments to understand the point.

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