Archive for February, 2010


Wow…I Think I Need Some New Business Cards

February 22, 2010

This man could sell me anything, guaranteed!! He could sell books on how to be tolerant to Hitler. Sometimes I wish I was this man, purely because of the completely unwarranted confidence he seems to carry with him. He could say to his wife “for breakfast we’re having pizza, GUARANTEED! Then we will go to the candy factory. GUARANTEED! Then you will admit the person who wrote the script for “Made of Honour” thought he could base an entire feature length film purely on one atrocious pun and let me fly to his house and punch him in the face, GUARANTEED!”

Despite this the video has brought to my attention that I need new business cards. Considering that all my current cards are written on the back of Bar coasters and don’t include a phone number, but instead a treasure map which will lead the person to my location, where I will tell them one joke (probably a knock-knock joke)

Even though his Spielberg-esque editing skills make him appear to have created a card that would make God himself tremble in all his inadequacies, the card itself really isn’t that impressive. It’s more or less a simplified children’s pop-up book, I was reading those when I was four yet it took him twenty five years to think of it?


Televised Disappointments

February 16, 2010

So after writing a blog last week in which I took a tongue in cheek and somewhat in depth look into certain practices of different religions I have decided to try a different angle, mainly because last weeks blog got a less then amazing response I thought I would aim for a wider audience by writing about a subject every single person is an expert in. TELEVISION.

That’s right whether you’re gay, white, black, straight, Jewish, a scientologist or just from New Zealand, chances are you know a whole lot about television. This is because the television is truly the best date one can have (three guesses what kind of valentines day I had….yes a sad one), you can look however you want and it wouldn’t care. Naked? The television doesn’t care, eating a five-liter bucket of ice cream and naked? It still doesn’t care. The television is also there whenever you want it to be, if your high at two in the morning and feel like watching some infomercials and making some poorly informed purchases “why yes I do need kitchen knives that are also sharp enough to build a house with”, or if you feel like watching a horror movie and yelling at the characters and all their various mistakes, whereas if you where yell at your boyfriend or girlfriend pointing out their mistakes chances are they will just break up with you, just a guess though.

That is why I feel truly betrayed recently with all the new programs the fat cat television companies are forcing down my throat (well not forcing, but what else am I going to do? Go outside? Think again). These new programs I speak of are a genre that I think can best be labeled as “blue collar/everyday man reality T.V”, I call it this because it is simply everyday people doing their regular nine to five jobs. I can only attribute this new phenomena to the fact that everyone these days muss be born with a camera up their ass just filming away, ready to take their show to channel seven. How far are we really from a reality show called “the lives of a reality show camera crew” where people with cameras get to follow other people with cameras who are following a person do their grocery shopping.

What made reality television of yesteryear exciting was the extremity of things, such as on shows like “Fear Factor” they would have challenges such as “OK your first challenge is to eat this bag of fire, the you need to kill that grizzly bear with only this tea spoon and finally you must tech Paris Hilton what a complete sentence is then me her use one in an interview”, every one of these challenges is impossible but that is what made them all entertaining. Now we have gone from one extreme to another, with show like:

Lobstermen: this is a show about men who are on a boat and they fish for lobsters…that’s it! Fishing is one of the most notoriously boring hobbies of all time, yet some hot shot T.V executive thought it would be a good idea to turn what is essentially 95% percent waiting, 2% putting bait on a line, 2% drinking beer and 1% catching things, putting this on television? For shame.

Ice road truckers: This is a show about people driving, but not just in normal cars but in TRUCKS where you drive for even longer periods of time and not just on roads but on icy roads where you actually have to drive slower thus drawing out the show even more. Now I’m not the kind of person who likes to associate myself with conservative red neck truck drivers, so why do people think I would want to emulate a long drive with them with a T.V show. This also seems a case of men going where men shouldn’t, why do we need to drive on this ice? Do we not have the technology of panes and helicopters to get things over such harsh terrain as ice?

Dirty Jobs: This isn’t nearly as sexy as you might be thinking. No, instead the host of the show simply takes part messy (garbage man), disgusting (Kesha’s friend) or humiliating (McDonalds’ employee) jobs. There is nothing I like to do more than watch this show while sipping an espresso and laugh at the simple people who work such trivial jobs. For I’m a student, I alone stand at the gates of knowledge, in one hand I hold the key to unlock the mysteries to the universe while with the other I’m constantly fending of the temptations of the imbecilic such as center link payouts and selling meth out of a bath tub.


Practicality In Religion, If It’s There I Will Find It!

February 9, 2010

Many people may be worried, has the church sued Alex? Or has god sent down an almighty plague upon him to cause his fingers to spontaneously combust whenever he types a mean blog about his homeboy Jesus. Well the answer is no, you know the saying don’t beat a dead horse? Well beating up a crucified savior isn’t much better, so I decided to let him be for a few months, until now.

My entire life I have often pondered why people are drawn into religion. It made sense for people to believe in religion during the dark ages, considering that they didn’t even know what Skype or microwave burritos were, seriously how could you live without microwaving a delicious snack and then talking about for free over the internet? They were truly savages. Yet still to this day people are drawn into the seductive allure of church early in on Sunday mornings and the only sleeping pill you don’t need a prescription for “The Bible”. This Phenomenon bewildered me to no end, until now. I have recently discovered that when considered in a practical sense the appeal of religion may become apparent.

Christianity: many probably think, “Where is the logic in this? Are you trying to tell me that while God does indeed love every human he also wont let us into heaven due to a petty grudge over eating an apple in the garden of Eden?” if this is so then God will eternally be pissed of at me because I had at least three apples today. What circle of hell would that fall under? The healthy yet forbidden food groups? This silly little misunderstanding aside Christianity is the perfect religion for anyone who hates to work Sundays or enjoys drinking his or her weight in alcohol on a regular Saturday night then you can take the entire of Sunday to either have your stomach pumped or walk it off. You can do all of this because the Sabbath conveniently falls on a Sunday.

Are we actually meant to believe that the reason God put the Sabbath on this day was because he got tired? This is the same person who created coral reefs, wide majestic canyons, snow capped breathtaking behemoth sized mountains and the complexity of the human digestive system, yet he got tired and so wanted a day to just put his feet up and watch some Seinfeld episodes. Who can’t appreciate that?

Catholicism: one of the more controversial religions lately (up there with scientology and Kabala i.e. Madonna’s bastardized attempt at spirituality). This religion has it all, including more beads than Mardi Gras (although these beads come with a different rosary you have to say for each bead, whereas beads you get from mardi gras you may just have to be tested for infection from every bead you touch) there’s also a healthy dose of abusive nuns to instill the fear of God into all children under the age of eight years of age.

So you may be questioning “well that all sounds awful!” not true my friends. Since in the Catholic Church they have what is known as Communion, this summed up is more or less snack time in church, except with booze and crackers. Feeling restless and tired in that early morning service? No Problem! Have some red wine and cracker to wake you up or Forgot to have breakfast before you left? Now worries you can have all he crackers you can fit in your mouth! (Probably not considering that they believe that it is the body and blood of Christ, but still…free food)

Or forgot to visit the gym this week? And feeling a little bit tubby from pigging out on crackers and wine? No reason to fear, for in a regular catholic service you will be likely to sit, stand, sit, stand, stand, kneel, stand then sit. The perfect cardio work out for a Sunday morning.