My Doomsday Machine

December 28, 2009

Due to the fact that lately God seems to be too much of a pussy to bring on a doomsday like apocalypse, I feel somewhat obliged to throw my hat into the ring of ending the world along with Taco Bell’s life ending cuisine, the music of Good Charlotte which will make anyone’s ears bleed and the script from Beverly Hills Chihuahua (I hear when recited backwards a pack of rabid Chihuahuas is summoned from the fiery pits of Hades and gnaws at your ankles for all of eternity). So to bring on the apocalypse perhaps I should construct a Doomsday machine. This machine would have to be equipped with a few key important features of how it will bring the world to an end, plus some nifty other capabilities to keep me entertained.

•    Firstly I would construct this machine entirely out of biodegradable materials. This is because while I may be an evil genius who will end the world, I’m not a monster in the eyes of Mother Nature and Al Gore. So rather than leave behind a giant ugly, rusting and toxic lump of metal I will either make it out of recycled materials which will serve as a shelter for a cockroach family (who will have survived the apocalypse with their roach like super powers) before melting back into the earth. OR I will place a self destruct feature on the Doomsday machine, which will blow it up after it has destroys all of man kind because otherwise it will just sit there forever, lonely, like wall-e

•    I want a countdown clock on it. With the numbers in red and a voice to be counting down the numbers in a female British accent, in a sinister voice. Mainly because without this how would you know when the end of the world is going to happen? Right now? In two hours? When?!?! I also want the final countdown by Europe to be playing while this is happening.

•    An arcade machine built into it with Tekken. This is just a present to me from me. Something to keep me entertained while I build this machine of doom. Sure I could just have another separate arcade machine but dammit I want one built into it!

•    An espresso machine, again this is something for me. This is mainly to keep me focused but also incredibly edgy and anxious. As any mad scientist should be.

•    A hammock, because everyone needs a naptime, even mad scientists.

•    A tree house, this is turning into not so much things that are useful for the doomsday machine but more just things I want. I don’t care though I still want one. That would be bitchin’

•    Lastly I would put an “I, robot” style level of awareness and a conscious within it. Also placing the rules of robotics set out by Isaac Asimov saying that a robot cannot harm a human, although it will also know that its sole purpose in life is to destroy. This will result in an ultimate mind fuck until it will explode in confusion thus ending the world.


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