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Survival Of The Fittest

December 21, 2009

Many of you are probably wondering “how does they do it? Have such razor sharp wit, giant vocabularies, be stunningly attractive and be in such amazing physical shape?” I’m sure we make this god like character traits appear effortless, however you would be wrong. Both john and I go through a daily work out routine to ensure that not only our bodies are fit but also our minds and soul are in tiptop shape to entertain and serve as eye candy to the loving masses.

So below you will find an outline of our daily routine. A warning: this is only performed by professional and should not be attempted by the faint of heart, the misinformed or those who are pregnant.

•    5:30am: the day begins at the brutal hour of five in the morning, when even the meth addicts are still sleeping. To fuel us for the day ahead I consume 8 espresso shots and John has 15 Shots of Berocca. Just to get our heart rate to a healthy 140 beats per minute. Now the day can begin.

•    5:45am: after having a mild heart attack from the caffeine we power sprint (its faster then driving, when we run anyway) to the nearest forest where we have imported five black bears from the harshest streets of Boston to wrestle. Although to make the fight a little fairer we give the bears body armor and jousting spears.

•    6:30am: after finishing of the bears. We have a round of high fives and fist bumps in celebration of our awesomeness and ultimate man-tasticness.

•    7:00am: we then return home for a small breakfast of raw chicken (in the film Rocky you saw him eating raw chicken eggs, well we go one further and just eat a raw chicken)

•    7:30am: After that breakfast usually a small trip to the hospital is in order, they say its food poisoning but I never believe them.

•    8:00am: we return home from the hospital and watch Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 911 four times in a row. Just to remind us of who “The Man” is and how he is constantly fucking us over.

•    2:00pm: after a quick lunch of super hot curry we then watch Bill O’Reilly’s “The O’Reilly Factor”. Just so we know exactly what NOT to think or say, and to be well informed on the activities of the enemy.

•    4:00pm: The repairman now needs to visit to repair my walls, as they have all been punched from pure frustration and anger.

•    5:00pm: the house has been repaired; it is now time to go to the gym. Not to work out but to laugh at the struggling overweight people.

•    6:00pm: we know go home and listen to Thom Yorke’s solo album “Eraser” while discussing the legitimacy and positives and negatives found in a truly Marxist society. All while reveling in our indie glory.

•    10:00pm: after some quiet time and naptime we go to Fight Club. I cannot tell you anymore about this though, as it would be breaking the first rule of fight club.

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