Its a Celebrity Christmas!!

December 14, 2009

Lets face it, celebrities have it all, from jet packs to light sabers to tables with four legs. They would easily be the hardest people to shop for, since they have copious amounts of cash oozing out of their pores they can own anything they wish at a mere whim. If they wanted a sumo wresting ring in their backyard BAM they have one, if they wanted panthers with lasers on their heads to guard their house KAPLOW they could have it. They are the true kings and queens of the 21st century.

Due to this abundance of material possessions it would be intensely difficult to buy a celebrity friend (which I have many) Christmas or birthday gifts. So since Christmas is coming up I though I would give people hints for gifts that celebrities TRULY need.

•    Akon – a thesaurus. I’m sure most people would have heard his song “damn she’s a sexy bitch”. Now I have not seen said ”bitch”, she may be as he describes sexy and also a bitch however, in the pre chorus bridge he states “how can I describe this girl without being disrespectful?” Apparently his limited vocabulary could only find the words “damn you’re a sexy bitch” to accurately describe her. Really Akon? thats the best way you could describe her without being disrespectful? This is why for Christmas I will be buying Akon a thesaurus, so on his next album e may have songs such as: “blast, she is a seductive vixen”

•    Joe Biden – for the old cranky vice president who no one trusts with any real decisions or responsibility I will buy him a Nintendo DS, just to give him something to do and in the hope it will distract him from politics.

•    Bert Newtown – Good old lovable, friendly Bert Newton. A staple of Australian television. For Christmas I will buy him two presents. First an umbrella, to block his plastic face from the sun so he doesn’t melt like a snowman and secondly a pedestal, not for him to stand upon, looming above us as some sort of deity but just to rest his ENORMOUS face. Seriously his face is gigantic. Surely he must get tired holding it up all day so I will buy him a pedestal to rest his neck for a couple hours a day.

•    Stephanie Myer. This is a bold move making fun of the creator of the twilight saga considering many peoples obsessive devotion to it, due to this I may get assassinated by faux vampire bites or pummeled with “team Jacob” shirts, however here we go. For Stephanie Myer I will get her a beat up red/orange pick up truck like the one Bella drives, so she can fully realize her dream of becoming Bella and then having a vampire falling in love with her for no reason at all despite her lack of a personality. Oh and on the infinitely small chance your reading this Stephanie Myer; can I please have a part in the next movie? Even a small part like Edwards best friend. That would be killer.


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