Archive for December, 2009

h1

My Doomsday Machine

December 28, 2009

Due to the fact that lately God seems to be too much of a pussy to bring on a doomsday like apocalypse, I feel somewhat obliged to throw my hat into the ring of ending the world along with Taco Bell’s life ending cuisine, the music of Good Charlotte which will make anyone’s ears bleed and the script from Beverly Hills Chihuahua (I hear when recited backwards a pack of rabid Chihuahuas is summoned from the fiery pits of Hades and gnaws at your ankles for all of eternity). So to bring on the apocalypse perhaps I should construct a Doomsday machine. This machine would have to be equipped with a few key important features of how it will bring the world to an end, plus some nifty other capabilities to keep me entertained.

•    Firstly I would construct this machine entirely out of biodegradable materials. This is because while I may be an evil genius who will end the world, I’m not a monster in the eyes of Mother Nature and Al Gore. So rather than leave behind a giant ugly, rusting and toxic lump of metal I will either make it out of recycled materials which will serve as a shelter for a cockroach family (who will have survived the apocalypse with their roach like super powers) before melting back into the earth. OR I will place a self destruct feature on the Doomsday machine, which will blow it up after it has destroys all of man kind because otherwise it will just sit there forever, lonely, like wall-e

•    I want a countdown clock on it. With the numbers in red and a voice to be counting down the numbers in a female British accent, in a sinister voice. Mainly because without this how would you know when the end of the world is going to happen? Right now? In two hours? When?!?! I also want the final countdown by Europe to be playing while this is happening.

•    An arcade machine built into it with Tekken. This is just a present to me from me. Something to keep me entertained while I build this machine of doom. Sure I could just have another separate arcade machine but dammit I want one built into it!

•    An espresso machine, again this is something for me. This is mainly to keep me focused but also incredibly edgy and anxious. As any mad scientist should be.

•    A hammock, because everyone needs a naptime, even mad scientists.

•    A tree house, this is turning into not so much things that are useful for the doomsday machine but more just things I want. I don’t care though I still want one. That would be bitchin’

•    Lastly I would put an “I, robot” style level of awareness and a conscious within it. Also placing the rules of robotics set out by Isaac Asimov saying that a robot cannot harm a human, although it will also know that its sole purpose in life is to destroy. This will result in an ultimate mind fuck until it will explode in confusion thus ending the world.

h1

Survival Of The Fittest

December 21, 2009

Many of you are probably wondering “how does they do it? Have such razor sharp wit, giant vocabularies, be stunningly attractive and be in such amazing physical shape?” I’m sure we make this god like character traits appear effortless, however you would be wrong. Both john and I go through a daily work out routine to ensure that not only our bodies are fit but also our minds and soul are in tiptop shape to entertain and serve as eye candy to the loving masses.

So below you will find an outline of our daily routine. A warning: this is only performed by professional and should not be attempted by the faint of heart, the misinformed or those who are pregnant.

•    5:30am: the day begins at the brutal hour of five in the morning, when even the meth addicts are still sleeping. To fuel us for the day ahead I consume 8 espresso shots and John has 15 Shots of Berocca. Just to get our heart rate to a healthy 140 beats per minute. Now the day can begin.

•    5:45am: after having a mild heart attack from the caffeine we power sprint (its faster then driving, when we run anyway) to the nearest forest where we have imported five black bears from the harshest streets of Boston to wrestle. Although to make the fight a little fairer we give the bears body armor and jousting spears.

•    6:30am: after finishing of the bears. We have a round of high fives and fist bumps in celebration of our awesomeness and ultimate man-tasticness.

•    7:00am: we then return home for a small breakfast of raw chicken (in the film Rocky you saw him eating raw chicken eggs, well we go one further and just eat a raw chicken)

•    7:30am: After that breakfast usually a small trip to the hospital is in order, they say its food poisoning but I never believe them.

•    8:00am: we return home from the hospital and watch Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 911 four times in a row. Just to remind us of who “The Man” is and how he is constantly fucking us over.

•    2:00pm: after a quick lunch of super hot curry we then watch Bill O’Reilly’s “The O’Reilly Factor”. Just so we know exactly what NOT to think or say, and to be well informed on the activities of the enemy.

•    4:00pm: The repairman now needs to visit to repair my walls, as they have all been punched from pure frustration and anger.

•    5:00pm: the house has been repaired; it is now time to go to the gym. Not to work out but to laugh at the struggling overweight people.

•    6:00pm: we know go home and listen to Thom Yorke’s solo album “Eraser” while discussing the legitimacy and positives and negatives found in a truly Marxist society. All while reveling in our indie glory.

•    10:00pm: after some quiet time and naptime we go to Fight Club. I cannot tell you anymore about this though, as it would be breaking the first rule of fight club.

h1

Its a Celebrity Christmas!!

December 14, 2009

Lets face it, celebrities have it all, from jet packs to light sabers to tables with four legs. They would easily be the hardest people to shop for, since they have copious amounts of cash oozing out of their pores they can own anything they wish at a mere whim. If they wanted a sumo wresting ring in their backyard BAM they have one, if they wanted panthers with lasers on their heads to guard their house KAPLOW they could have it. They are the true kings and queens of the 21st century.

Due to this abundance of material possessions it would be intensely difficult to buy a celebrity friend (which I have many) Christmas or birthday gifts. So since Christmas is coming up I though I would give people hints for gifts that celebrities TRULY need.

•    Akon – a thesaurus. I’m sure most people would have heard his song “damn she’s a sexy bitch”. Now I have not seen said ”bitch”, she may be as he describes sexy and also a bitch however, in the pre chorus bridge he states “how can I describe this girl without being disrespectful?” Apparently his limited vocabulary could only find the words “damn you’re a sexy bitch” to accurately describe her. Really Akon? thats the best way you could describe her without being disrespectful? This is why for Christmas I will be buying Akon a thesaurus, so on his next album e may have songs such as: “blast, she is a seductive vixen”

•    Joe Biden – for the old cranky vice president who no one trusts with any real decisions or responsibility I will buy him a Nintendo DS, just to give him something to do and in the hope it will distract him from politics.

•    Bert Newtown – Good old lovable, friendly Bert Newton. A staple of Australian television. For Christmas I will buy him two presents. First an umbrella, to block his plastic face from the sun so he doesn’t melt like a snowman and secondly a pedestal, not for him to stand upon, looming above us as some sort of deity but just to rest his ENORMOUS face. Seriously his face is gigantic. Surely he must get tired holding it up all day so I will buy him a pedestal to rest his neck for a couple hours a day.

•    Stephanie Myer. This is a bold move making fun of the creator of the twilight saga considering many peoples obsessive devotion to it, due to this I may get assassinated by faux vampire bites or pummeled with “team Jacob” shirts, however here we go. For Stephanie Myer I will get her a beat up red/orange pick up truck like the one Bella drives, so she can fully realize her dream of becoming Bella and then having a vampire falling in love with her for no reason at all despite her lack of a personality. Oh and on the infinitely small chance your reading this Stephanie Myer; can I please have a part in the next movie? Even a small part like Edwards best friend. That would be killer.

h1

Technical Difficulties

December 13, 2009

Once again we are plagued with substandard service, and unfortunately the latest podcast is still in limbo. It’s almost as though the man doesn’t want you to listen to us.

The site to blame for this is the mildly popular Podbean podcast hosting service. If problems persist we will be forced to change hosts. Until then, I hope you’ll be okay without us. Sniff sniff.

h1

Prancing & Dancing my Weekend Away…

December 6, 2009

I will now divulge a little about my life in order for this next story to fully make sense.  I’m the second oldest in a family of five children, all of my siblings being sisters. I know what you’re thinking, “you must have sandwiches made for you all the time” well you would be wrong. People constantly say “you poor thing it must be hard” and in response to this I constantly say “oh, it’s not that bad”, however the more I think of any positives to having four sisters I simply cannot find any (apart from always having the latest Cosmo around, style anyone?) Don’t misunderstand me I love my family dearly, however at times it feels that I do not “like” them.

This is probably due to the multitude of events and activities I’m constantly dragged along to against my will, much like a man who was wrongly convicted of a crime in Ancient Roman times being dragged to a crucifix I have often felt the very fiber of my soul tear and bleed as I watched in horror at the things I have seen at these “family” events, The latest of these being a Ballet concert.

At times I think to myself it is truly amazing that I’m straight despite the huge number of yearly ballet concerts I’m taken to. The last concert just passed was no exception in the usual golden quality standard that is set for these theatrical and dance-tastic train wrecks. The theme for this performance was simply “the world”, not particularly inventive and a tad on the nose as far as meaning and metaphor are concerned, however when the average performers age is eight a little bit of one dimensionality can be forgiven.

Due to my over all un willingness to be there at all, I was very quick to ctiticise and point out the numerous flaws in their depiction of different nations in the world. For example when a troupe of six year olds wondered confused and bewildered as to why they were on a stage with fifty parents watching their every move, being blinded by a constant barrage of camera flashes which would make the American paparazzi claim it was over kill, rather than sitting at home watching dora the explorer. The French dancers were all wearing berets and painting on easels and the Japanese dancers were all adorning chopsticks. this made me angry, how could they play of off simple and obvious stereotypes? I had half a mind to walk out in out rage however my mother was quite insistent that it would be rude (as if my loud sighs and yawns were displaying my enthusiasm)

The final blow came when for the finale they had the nerve to use a Michael Jackson song. Desperate for a way out of this monstrosity of a Saturday after noon I instinctively started to appear offended. Claiming “this is too soon! The man died not eight months ago and they’re using his song? Whats this world coming to?”