An Introduction to Loopholery

November 29, 2009

Justifiable douchebaggery, or Loopholery, is the best kind, for the simple reason that the system lets you get away with it. You can be a douchebag and not have a criminal record. Imagine that.

For example, take Halloween, a human tradition by which children extricate candy from adults under the threat of vandalism. At first glance this seems extraordinarily stupid, but then again this is human society. Anyway, so let’s say a child waltzes up to your door and demands some candy. Are you seriously going to give them candy? Are you going to give them what is essentially flavoured sugar which is ridiculously detrimental to to their health?

For some reason not giving them candy is seen as a bad thing. This is a travesty and obviously alternative measures should be taken. Next time Halloween comes around don’t give them sugar. Instead, give them some healthy food. Perhaps some wholemeal bread? Dried fruit? Maybe some fish oil tablets? The wholesome choices are endless.

Of course, between you and me, the primary goal of this exercise isn’t to give birth to a new generation of fitter, healthier children, although that is a convinient side effect. No, the main goal is to see the expressions on their faces as you load them up with bland disgusting food. For maximum effect, when they knock pretend that you are indeed going to get them something delicious. Rummage around a bit in your pantry. Could it be Skittles? Chocolate? Let the suspense build, and then BAM. Roasted soybeans. Priceless.

If we catch this train of thought we can end up at many destinations. The speed limit in multi-story car parks is often 10 km/h or less. A justifiable douchebag move would be to actually go this limit, and laugh at the rage behind you. Flashy cars, which when speeding around would normally appear sexy, now look just silly crawling along. If someone confronts you, simply explain that you were following the advised limit as to expose any adults and children in the area to as little danger as possible. The key word there is children. If you can factor a benefit to children somewhere in your douchebag justification, you win.

Of course, there are different approaches to this unique way of life. The exploitation of assumptions is by far the most controversial. Assumptions are the crux of human miscommunication. Normally miscommunication is a bad thing, but in the hand of a douchebag, false assumptions can be twisted to your own advantage.

The obvious example is feigning an injury. Limping around is generally enough to garner a few tidbits of attention and sympathy, but it’s nothing to get by on. You could go the whole hog and get bandages and crutches, but is the effort worth the pay-off?

The two examples above are amateur moves. Don’t make them. The easiest way to get almost anything you want in life is simple. Shave your head, wear a head scarf and look sombre.

Before all of you jump down my throat and claim that there is no way pretending to have cancer is justifiable, I would remind you that I’m not doing anything apart from showing off my hip new headscarf and my freshly shaved eyebrows. You, the wider public, are the ones who assume, and thus make the mistake. I said nothing about cancer or chemotherapy, you merely let the seed of assumption grow into a tree of bullshit. It is your fault for any loss you sustain. I am simply exploiting your ignorance. It would be easy for you yourself to banish said ignorance, but you don’t out of fear of confrontation, or fear of breaking social norms, or what have you.

The plight of those afflicted by cancer is a noble one and rightly deserves to be supported, but if anyone does not have any idea of where their money or support is going, they are no better than me. In my opinion they are worse than me, as their effort is more about assuaging their own guilt than it is about actually curing cancer.

And to be fair, I am allowed to wear what I want. Should I be required to inform anyone I meet that I in fact do not have cancer, and that they don’t have to shower me in sympathy and favours? Should I have to wear a sign on my back saying “While I May Be Wearing A Headscarf, Which Is Often Seen On Chemotherapy Patients, I Have Not Gone Through That Particular Procedure Myself, And In Fact Am Free Of Cancer”? Of course not, that’d be a massive infringement on my freedom. You know who would take away that freedom?

A douchebag, that’s who.

There will undoubtedly be more chapters of this story to come. As I come up with new ways of douchebagging my way around the world I will be sure to share them with you, my douchebag apprentices. May your paths be fruitful, and your neighbours idiots.

Until next time, keep your head in.



  1. John Gooding: Arsehole, or pure genius? We may never know.

    • hm its a fine line to tread

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