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A Guide For Your Viewing Pleasure

October 4, 2009

Readers, I’m like you. I love watching films. I cried during Toy Story, I laughed during Titanic and I was moved by the overcoming of adversity in Dumb and Dumber. So I thought I would have a run down of the best and worst the next year has to offer from Hollywood. Where people are always thin, every group of friends has one “black guy” for diversity and Whoopi Goldberg and Woody Allen will try and justify rape. So recline your chair back, pop up some popcorn and enjoy.

2012

2012_Poster

This film directed by Roland Emmerich. Yes, that’s right, the man who brought us great cinema experiences like … um … ‘Godzilla’? He’s creating a “disaster” movie (apparently they’re making movie genres to predict how the film will perform in the box office) based on the predictions that the world will end in the year 2012. This movie can have no happy ending; it’s about the apocalypse! You can’t sit in this movie and think, “Maybe the handsome guy will live somehow … ” Nope, the world is ending, therefore everyone dies. This entire premise is based from the Mayan Long Count Calendar, which ends at December 21 2012. Now my watch stops counting at twelve, but I don’t think “My god! Time will cease to exist because my watch doesn’t continue counting.” Maybe the Mayans just thought “Man, we have been writing this calendar forever, surely they get the idea now and will continue counting.”

Twilight: New Moon

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Possibly the most highly anticipated film coming out this summer, and also the movie with the most confusing budget. With special effects in the last film looking they were drawn in with crayon, these special effects look no better. There appears to be a scene with a wolf, I’m no wolf expert BUT usually wolves look three dimensional, not like a cardboard cut-out rolling around on wheels. Oh yeah, and it looks like you could dig a hole with the shovel-sized front teeth on Kristen Stewart.

Transformers 3

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It’s been confirmed; they are making a third installment to the subtle yet powerful Transformers franchise. Expect Michal Bay to throw in a arbitrary teen drama while the world is being destroyed by robots, Megan Fox to wear progressively less and less clothing, and to be completely desensitized to explosions.

Seth Rogan/Judd Apatow Oddball Stoner Comedy #3421

seth-rogen

I haven’t heard anything official, however it can almost be assured that once more Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow will team up to bring us another stoner/goofy/vulgar/coming of age teen comedy. Seth Rogan has played the exact same character in every movie for the past five years. In ‘The 40 year Old Virgin’ he played a pothead, who worked in an electronics store, was a little bit goofy and constantly relied on profanity to have a joke. In ‘Knocked Up’ he played a stoner, who was unemployed but wrote a website (sound familiar?), again relies on profanity, gets a girl pregnant and then marries her. I would continue but to that I would simply need to change the movie title then copy and paste.

Will Ferrell Sports Movie #47632

will-ferrell-vs-mats-wilander

If there is one thing Will Ferrell does well it’s making slightly above average comedy movies about sports. First there was ‘Kicking and Screaming’ about soccer, then there was ‘Talladega Nights’, a movie about car racing, then there was ‘Blades of Glory’, a movie about ice skating, and finally there was ‘Semi-Pro’, a movie about basketball. In every one he played a character that was struggling to be the best often with hilarious results. Nothing has been confirmed but I can predict a movie coming out soon starring Will about a professional ping pong player called ‘Pong: The Paddle of Destiny’.

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