Archive for October, 2009

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Letters To…(again)

October 24, 2009

Here are some more letters to people and objects.

•    Dear Sarah Palin. How did you manage to write your book “going rogue” when I doubt you have ever even read a book? Was the first write of it simply a picture book?

•    Dear homeless people, your weird. Why don’t you stop harassing me for change and go home and shave, oh wait…..sorry, keep it up.

•    Dear alcohol advertising, could you somehow appeal more to male fantasies?

•    Dear bumper cars, you were an awful instructor for my license test. Why can I ram you into other bumper cars without getting arrested but when doing it with a bigger, safer and better-built car I get arrested?

•    Dear weekend, were do you hide during the week? And why is there never any good television on Saturdays and Sundays? Is it because you think people have lives and are going out? WELL THINK AGAIN!

•    Dear beards, you rock. How come women hate you so much? If its because they are afraid that their boyfriends will run away to Hawaii with their beards leaving them behind, then they are correct.

•    Dear hammock that I’m lying in. you are like a lazy person net and you caught me!

•    Dear Facebook people suggestions. I think you should rename yourself “people I was trying to avoid”.

•    Dear Lynx deoderant. Why do you bother having many different varieties of scents with exotic names (like fever, who wants to smell like they’ve been sick?), when they all smell the same?

•    Dear alarm clock. I’m sure it isn’t mentally healthy to wake up every morning of my life to an ALARM!. What is there to be alarmed about? Every time you go of I crap my pants because I fear the house alarm is going of and we are being robbed, then I find it is just you letting me know the day has begun.

•    Dear squeaky chair in the lecture hall. Why is it that every week I seem to sit on you? Is it because yu are the closest to the door and I want to escape so badly…probably. You make it ever so hard to move even the smallest amount without alerting the entire room that I’m moving or have fallen asleep.

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The Rules of Cool

October 16, 2009

Judging by the huge amounts of views we got from John’s Pokémon blog, I can safely assume that our average reader’s age is about 8-12. Based on this fact I will now give you all a guide on how to survive high school. I won’t lie to you, high school is a dangerous place. People have died there, and some people never leave (they’re called teachers, pathetic people who make themselves feel better by acting superior to children), however there is a way to beat the vicious cycle of high school.

Tip number one: drink as much as you can. Adults probably tell you “drinking’s bad” and “”an eight year old doesn’t need a case of beer”. They are wrong. Drinking is cool, just ask Ozzy Osbourne although you might not be able to understand his response. The first kid to get their stomach pumped will forever be immortalized and forever remembered by the rest of their year. Never forget this.

Tip number two: sports are the most important thing EVER. If I learnt one thing from my physical education classes it is that all important business decisions in the real world will be determined by games of king ball or rugby. There are plenty of jobs for people who bombed out in the HSC but were the captain of their high school rugby union team, right?

Tip number three: be a douche to everyone. This might sound mean but it’s not. All the most awesome and popular kids in high school also happened to be the biggest assholes. If there were a line graph displaying the correspondence between douchebaggery and popularity, it would blow your mind.

Tip number four: get a mohawk or rat’s tail. Actually, get a mohawk with a rat’s tail. That is the kind of hair cut which tells people you have style and you don’t take shit from anyone. This haircut also tells people you are 70% more likely to never have a desk job, or even be able to spell the word desk.

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Dreams of a Dreamer

October 10, 2009

I consider myself to be a man of the world. I’ve danced under the moonlight (although it may have been by myself), I’ve seen the lost city of Atlantis (that’s right, the lost city of Atlantis) and I have stared death in the face (although it was merely a picture of death’s face … so a picture of Dick Cheney). Although there are some things I still want to accomplish in my short time on this planet before I’m reincarnated into something else based on my thetan levels as stated in Scientology by the great L. Ron Hubbard (that’s actually what scientologists i.e. Tom Cruise believe, see, you learn and laugh on this blog). So this is a list of things to do and accomplish before my time is up.

I want to record a platinum selling album. I’m not sure how I will do this. I’m assuming garage band will be involved somewhere in there, but I do want to sell over a million albums. These days repetitive dance music seems to be what the kids like, so I will use every single garage band loop to create the most monotonous dance anthems the world has ever known. With titles like “Shake It”, “Move It”, “Dance, Dance, It’s Communism!” and “Nobody Move! … ok now you can move” it will be a hit in all the clubs (and in china). Or I will record a Christian hard rock album. If creed can do it then so can I.

I want to have some kind of holiday named after me, mostly because I hate working or doing things on my birthday. How I will do this you might ask? I don’t know. Maybe my platinum selling album will have something to do with it. This wish is more so I’m not forgotten anytime soon. If this cannot happen I would also be satisfied with some kind mural or pyramid type structure similar to the Egyptian’s, now they knew how to be remembered, because consider for a moment if they had not built the pyramids. What would they be remembered for? Their crazy picture writing? I don’t think so.

I would also like to have a reality show. This show will be a mix between The Amazing Race and Survivor. I will take away their vision (can’t decide whether I should do this permanently or not) and then make them race other blind teams around the world. Whether this will be filmed or purely for my entertainment is unsure.

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A Guide For Your Viewing Pleasure

October 4, 2009

Readers, I’m like you. I love watching films. I cried during Toy Story, I laughed during Titanic and I was moved by the overcoming of adversity in Dumb and Dumber. So I thought I would have a run down of the best and worst the next year has to offer from Hollywood. Where people are always thin, every group of friends has one “black guy” for diversity and Whoopi Goldberg and Woody Allen will try and justify rape. So recline your chair back, pop up some popcorn and enjoy.

2012

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This film directed by Roland Emmerich. Yes, that’s right, the man who brought us great cinema experiences like … um … ‘Godzilla’? He’s creating a “disaster” movie (apparently they’re making movie genres to predict how the film will perform in the box office) based on the predictions that the world will end in the year 2012. This movie can have no happy ending; it’s about the apocalypse! You can’t sit in this movie and think, “Maybe the handsome guy will live somehow … ” Nope, the world is ending, therefore everyone dies. This entire premise is based from the Mayan Long Count Calendar, which ends at December 21 2012. Now my watch stops counting at twelve, but I don’t think “My god! Time will cease to exist because my watch doesn’t continue counting.” Maybe the Mayans just thought “Man, we have been writing this calendar forever, surely they get the idea now and will continue counting.”

Twilight: New Moon

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Possibly the most highly anticipated film coming out this summer, and also the movie with the most confusing budget. With special effects in the last film looking they were drawn in with crayon, these special effects look no better. There appears to be a scene with a wolf, I’m no wolf expert BUT usually wolves look three dimensional, not like a cardboard cut-out rolling around on wheels. Oh yeah, and it looks like you could dig a hole with the shovel-sized front teeth on Kristen Stewart.

Transformers 3

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It’s been confirmed; they are making a third installment to the subtle yet powerful Transformers franchise. Expect Michal Bay to throw in a arbitrary teen drama while the world is being destroyed by robots, Megan Fox to wear progressively less and less clothing, and to be completely desensitized to explosions.

Seth Rogan/Judd Apatow Oddball Stoner Comedy #3421

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I haven’t heard anything official, however it can almost be assured that once more Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow will team up to bring us another stoner/goofy/vulgar/coming of age teen comedy. Seth Rogan has played the exact same character in every movie for the past five years. In ‘The 40 year Old Virgin’ he played a pothead, who worked in an electronics store, was a little bit goofy and constantly relied on profanity to have a joke. In ‘Knocked Up’ he played a stoner, who was unemployed but wrote a website (sound familiar?), again relies on profanity, gets a girl pregnant and then marries her. I would continue but to that I would simply need to change the movie title then copy and paste.

Will Ferrell Sports Movie #47632

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If there is one thing Will Ferrell does well it’s making slightly above average comedy movies about sports. First there was ‘Kicking and Screaming’ about soccer, then there was ‘Talladega Nights’, a movie about car racing, then there was ‘Blades of Glory’, a movie about ice skating, and finally there was ‘Semi-Pro’, a movie about basketball. In every one he played a character that was struggling to be the best often with hilarious results. Nothing has been confirmed but I can predict a movie coming out soon starring Will about a professional ping pong player called ‘Pong: The Paddle of Destiny’.