If I Had a Time Machine

September 10, 2009

This is the age-old question of what would you do if you were given a time machine? Would you freak out cavemen by showing them Lady Gaga’s face? Would you give the African slaves guns to turn the tables on their white cracker masters? Or would you stop Hitler? These are all clichés that any Joe average boring-man would do.

If I had a time machine I would stop Jesus. Now I know what you are thinking, why Jesus? Think about it, if it wasn’t for Jesus popularizing Christianity with his combination of drugs, sex and rock and roll then we could have avoided a world of crap in the name of Christianity. George W. Bush on many occasions stated that it was God’s wish that he became president and that it was God’s wish that he wage a war on terror. If Jesus was stopped then whom could Bush have had to hypnotize the masses? Maybe  “It’s the Fonze’s wish that I become president”.


If Christianity had been stopped then maybe the world would be predominately Jewish. Oh what a world that would be. Hanukah would replace Christmas, for those who don’t know Hanukah is somewhat similar to Christmas except it goes for eight days and no fun is had … by anyone. The whole world would be like a giant Woody Allen film

Or I would go to April 3rd 1994 and fill the shotgun Kurt Cobain used to kill himself with fairy floss and replace the heroin he used to OD with harmless caffeine. He wouldn’t die and he also wouldn’t be able to sleep for weeks with all the caffeine he injected and he will have all the fairy floss he can eat


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