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Five of the Douchiest Pokémon Ever Made

September 1, 2009

So I’m surfing around facebook and I see that someone has done one of those application quizzes. I hate facebook quizzes. Nothing pisses me off quite as much as a shit quiz in the morning. I go to ban it, but as my cursor hovers over the button I pause. It’s a quiz about Pokémon.

This has so far been a moderately well-kept secret but I feel the world should now know. I play an awful lot of Pokémon. This in itself wouldn’t be embarrassing as long as I kept to Pokémon Red/Blue like the retro indie kids, but no, I play all the generations. That’s how I roll. As such I am one of the very few people in the world who can pretty much name every single Pokémon there is. And I have a girlfriend. A hot girlfriend. I’m a bona fide fucking miracle, people.

Anyway, so this quiz is about Pokémon. Essentially it’s something along the lines of “Which Pokémon most reflect your personality?” or something ridiculous like that. There are five Pokémon listed. The first four are from the first generation, and are as such instantly recognisable by anyone who has eyes. The fifth, however, is from the fourth generation, and is a little guy called Yanmega.

Yanmega

The person who did the quiz instantly asks “What the fuck is a yanmega?”. Everyone else chimes in, saying it looks pretty stupid. This surprised me. I mean, he’s not that ugly, in my opinion. He is especially not ugly when compared with his compatriots. The designers at Nintendo are, I believe, complete and utter drug addicts. For every pimping Pokémon they make, one pops off the drawing board that looks like frozen vomit.

I’m going to go right ahead and degrade my comedy all the way down to arbitrary lists. 20 to 1, here I come. Anyways, here’s five. Maybe after this lot you’ll think Yanmega isn’t so bad.

Spiritomb

spiritomb

I remember a time when the only ghost in the games was Gengar, and all was badass. Sigh. Well, feast your eyes on this. Apparently it consists of 108 malevolent spirits bound together as punishment. I imagine looking like a purple drunk teen is part of the deal.

The most painful thing about Spiritomb is that it’s actually good. I could stomach him if he had shit stats and I never had to use him or see him or interact with him in any way, shape or form, but instead Nintendo decided to make him awesome on the inside, and a sack of crap on the outside.

Drifblim

DrifblimAnother ghost type. They just don’t make them like they used to. As far as I can tell, it’s essentially a hot-air balloon with a face on it and a cloud for a hat. How does this make it at all ghostly? If this thing knocked on my window at midnight I wouldn’t scream like a little girl. I would giggle until I got a hernia, and then feel a little bad for laughing at the poor guy. I have to admit though, the more I think about it the better that cloud hat seems.

Combee

combee

I have, among others, two major problems with this guy. Firstly, this is just lazy design. This is the equivalent of putting arms on a house and calling it a day. I bet this would have taken five minutes at most to think up.

My second problem is that this is an outrageously sexist Pokémon. Females of the species can evolve in something that doesn’t suck quite as much, whereas males are forced to look like this for the rest of their lives. Thanks for the encouragement Nintendo. Whatever men can do, women can do better, right? Oh sure, this process of female-only advancement vaguely mirrors what happens with wild bees, but then again in the real world I’m not expected to catch wild bees and train them to fight dragons or whatever.

Tropius

tropius

So he’s a dinosaur with bananas on his face that can fly? I don’t even know anymore. According to the games, it ate so many bananas that the fruit started growing from it. Oh wow. Take that, science. I can only wonder at how many Japanese kids gave themselves stomach ruptures by trying to eat enough chocolate so that it grew from their necks for the rest of their life.

Also, this thing can learn the move Fly. In the games, Fly lets you go instantly from one town to another. Let’s forget the obvious logistical problems for a moment and imagine you flew from one city to another on the back of this thing. Imagine landing in the middle of town on the back of this monstrosity, while the other kids rock up on their Charizards and Aerodactyls. It’d be like pulling up to the high school formal in a doorless ute with bananas all over the bonnet. You would literally die from embarrassment.

Luvdisc

luvdisc

I can’t go on. There is nothing I can say about this except that it cannot evolve, so it’s stuck like this forever. Fuck you, Nintendo. Here we are, trying to argue that the Pokémon games on the whole are badass and awesome, and you go ahead and put this in. I hate you.

Here are some more guys that didn’t quite make the list. Well, I could have made the list longer, but it’s getting depressing already. I mean, I actually play this game. Jesus.

dunsparcelickilickyprobopasspuruglyspoink

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9 comments

  1. Stop thinking about pokemon!!


  2. Dearie me.


  3. lol thats a classic Ella, your awesome. Yeah john do what your told. tihihihihi


  4. actualy… ummm john are those names on the ones at the bottom the actual names? or did you make them up? “purugly”, “spoink” and “Lickilicky” you have got to be shitting me. Its enough they failed in the design department…


  5. Well well well, if it isn’t the thought police. ^^


  6. Oh, and yes. They’re their actual names.


  7. heh, well what can you do. Can i give out tickets?


    • They have to be imaginary tickets. Can you handle that?


  8. O.M.G

    hahhahahhahahahaha



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