Archive for September, 2009

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Deception on the Interwebs

September 28, 2009

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the idea of Google. You type something in, Google looks around for stuff that’s most likely to be relevant to your queries, and finally comes up with a list of sites you may be interested in. Easy.

Most of the time this process works quite well. Answers are generally only a few keystrokes away. However, sometimes Google gets in amazingly wrong and directs you to pretty much the exact opposite of what you were looking for. All you have to do to see this phenomenon in action is take a quick look at the search terms people use to find this blog.

  • “how to help my dad in a mid life crisis”

Alex and I, let’s be frank, are pretty damn clever. We’re well equipped to deal with most personal problems or queries you dear readers send our way. However, it is important to remember that we have absolutely no qualifications relating at all to analyzing the intricate and deep relationship between father and child. We cannot help you. The best we can hope for at this stage is that no harm was done by viewing our admittedly irresponsible website.

  • “left wing sluts”

This took a while to sink in the first time I saw it. I’m still not entirely sure what this internet purveyor was looking for. Articles about morally repugnant Democrat women? Left wing themed porn? I wasn’t sure. Needless to say I had to do some research. In the name of journalistic integrity I spent hours trawling through porn site after porn site to see if left wing themed porn was indeed a fetish. Alas, it appears not. All that time wasted. Tch. I hope you’re grateful, readers.

On a side note, when “left wing sluts” is typed into Google Left Wing Love Child is the second result, as of this writing. I’m going to go ahead and consider that a badge of honour.

  • “can pokemon ever be real”

We’ve had many ridiculous Pokémon-related searches, but this takes the cake. In reality there are people out there who do actually believe in Pokémon. Until recently they had their own website and everything. Here’s a quote:

‘Your only argument is “Pokemon aren’t real because I can’t see them, I’ve never seen them, and probably never will see them.”

Sorry to say this, but you are only one out of over 16 billion people on this planet, and just because you haven’t experienced something, doesn’t mean that’s how it is. You can’t see love, you can’t see hate, and you can’t see evil or good. You probably will never see them in your entire life, but do they exist? In my experiences as a human being, they do, and they are very real.’

I would refute that, but I really doubt I need to. It pretty much refutes itself.

Needless to say, if someone came to us asking whether Pokémon were real or not, we would laugh them right out of town. We are not what they’re looking for.

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A Guide To Getting A Girlfriend

September 28, 2009

Now as I’m single perhaps I wouldn’t be the best person to take advice from … no, I am. I feel perhaps I’m chronically single because woman like men who have an element of danger or edginess about them, how else can you explain people who like the guys who used to be in Jackass, they’re just like monkeys with huge bank accounts. So below is my foolproof guide, use it wisely.

•    Danger: this can be accomplished in many ways. Maybe sometimes I won’t tie up my shoelaces and just walk around with them untied. Ladies will come up to me and say “Oh my god! Your shoelaces are untied!”, then I will just say “I know, I might trip over or fall down some stairs, so what! I’m reckless like that.”

•    I add danger to play hard-to-get. If I cover myself with glass, then I can say, “No, don’t come near me, I’m too dangerous. You will only get hurt … really, I’m covered in glass” trusty old hard-to-get, she might then think I seem dangerous and unattainable which will only make her more interested, or she might think I’m homeless considering I’m covered in glass.

•    A great way to add some edge to my image: I will just carry around a motorcycle helmet. Then when a girl asks about it I will say “Yeah I ride my beast (that will be the name for my bike) pretty fast, but I don’t get scared. I would offer you a ride but it’s in the shop.” What shop you might ask? I have no clue but the point is she will think I’m dangerous and I have a ride rather than “Hey do you need a lift? I can pay for your train or bus ticket.”

So all in all the best way to impress people is with my method of deception and lying, never forget that.

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Left Wing Love Child – Episode #9 – Can Facebook Save Your Life? Not yet.

September 26, 2009

Alex and John wonder at how Facebook can turn people into such phenomenal morons. They also plan to sabotage Jesus.

If you haven’t already subscribed, you can do so by clicking the link below. It’s totally worth it.

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=330096400

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Alzheimer’s, God’s Present to the Elderly

September 21, 2009

In the newspapers recently there has been an increasing amount of stories with headlines like “a cure for Alzheimer’s” or “Alzheimer’s: lest we not forget” (nah I just made th at one up). The point is people are perceiving Alzheimer’s as big, bad and forgetful whereas I think it epitomizes the good old “ignorance Is bliss”

When an elderly person has Alzheimer’s their happy as Larry. Sitting in a room drool coming down their chin thinking, “I’m the king of peanuts!” not a care in their bald wrinkly head. Then cold and diabolical science comes along and says “guess what? We have a cure!” then SHAZAM they work some kind of witchcraft on you and the once blissfully ignorant person now remembers that their legs don’t work, change scares them, most of their hair is gone, their families rarely visit and all the people they cared about are dead.

I’m completely pro-science and anti-creationism. Considering that a creationist believes that fossils were put in the ground to trick us, if this is the case then why couldn’t God just take them back out? Seriously he’s GOD he created everything else but when the prankster Satan sneaks some fossils into the ground where was God? Why couldn’t he just teleport them out with his X-men powers? Was he just “fuck that, its Sunday, I’ve got Simpsons reruns to watch”

So although religion is seeming more and more like a sci-fi film there are still some things that science shouldn’t meddle with, and may God help them if they find a cure for Laziness, I’ve got a chronic case of the lazies.

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The Prize, And A Guide To Living

September 18, 2009

Why hello there, ladies and gentlemen. So it’s been two weeks (and a bit … pffft, I’m lazy) and the competition time is up. We’ve had some amazing entries, some adorable, some hilarious, and some downright freaky. We saw bits of the human body we really didn’t need to see, or know about at all really, and above all, we got some ego lovin’. Mmm mmmm.

However, to be fair, we did get less than ten entries, and as some random calling himself Ives pointed out, that’d be more of a participation prize. So we’ve decided that there will be only one winner. One entry to rule them all. Here at Left Wing Love Child, we don’t participate. We win. Or lose. We mostly win though. It’s like a 60-40 split … maybe 65-35. Anyway, we’ve decided to pass on this enduring philosophy to you, the faithful, and give you an example of how to win.

Hilarity is an art form. It is both efficient and meandering, ruthless and benevolent. It is betwixt all polarities, and hides itself in the shadow of the norm. More than that, it is a language unto itself. There are ways to speak it properly, and there are ways to speak it improperly. When the former occurs, it is truly magical. Worries dissipate. All that is good and right in life is emboldened to stride further into the light. If Gods exist, it is but a certainty that they would be noble disciples of this higher spirituality.

Are we worthy to practise such an art form? Of course we are, what a stupid question. But, and here’s the kicker, we are all worthy. Hilarity lives in us all. It’s not just something that Noel Fielding or Stephen K. Amos can do. It’s something we can all do. And here, at Left Wing Love Child, we do our best to encourage our listeners to be funny. You can do it.

For those of you who did not enter, who did not try, who did not believe, for shame. The universe sheds a celestial tear at your failure. However, you can redeem yourself. Simply send us something hilarious, and you will be saved. Easy as pie.

Anyway, back to the entry. It is from someone named Fern and goes as thus:

“You guys are so awesome, you make Mobile Suit Gundam look like Wall-E”

Essentially he claims that in our presence …

mobile suit

… looks like …

wall-e

The most simple reason this is funny is the fact that it happens to be true. He’s right: our toned muscles and sleek physiques do tend to make fifty foot high robots look like douchebags. It is an observation that, through being true, adds to hilarity. This is an important lesson. Consider the two sentences below:

“Isn’t it funny how … ?”

“Wouldn’t it be funny if … ?”

That “if is a iron ball chained to the leg of joviality. It is mediocrity’s crutch. Yes, whatever that person said would be funny … if the pre-ascertained conditions were to exist. However, they do not. Ergo, it is not funny. Q.E.D.

For pointing out this essential life lesson, Fern nabs himself a sweet picture of us doing something awesome. Stay tuned for another competition coming up very soon.

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High School Is The Best Six Years Of Your Life

September 15, 2009

“High school is the best six years of your life”

I’m sure some if not all of you have heard this saying. What happened to these unfortunate people in subsequent years so that high school seemed so amazing? “Well I graduated in 2002, diagnosed with bipolar in 2003, and then in 2004 all my limbs fell of…yep high school was pretty great!”

Not to say that I had a horrendous time in high school, however it is a depressing thought to think that the best years of my life have passed. In these “best years” you get to be plagued with the awkward joys of puberty, such as facial hair which grow in often hilarious patches, acne which a leper may wince at and a cracking voice which the ladies dig, am I right?

To get to high school you have to wake up at least 7:00am. Wear a uniform that are always refreshingly dehydrating in the summer yet still manage to be freezing in the winter and have the enchanting odour of wet dog when it rains.

Then when you reach your tenth year of education they tell you that you need some experience of the working world. So they force you to find any job and work there FOR FREE. If I have learnt anything it is that the only reason to work is to get money, but they inform us that we should supply the world with our 15-year-old talent for a week for nothing. My place of “experience” was a café, not so bad right? Wrong. My fresh faced view of the world being a pretty great place where people fall in love, where kittens play with balls of string and Santa clause flies in his sleigh and gives out presents was crushed in that week. The first thing they pointed me towards was an Everest sized pile of dishes; I never did reach that summit in the entire week. I did learn how to write help in capsicum while making sandwiches.

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Left Wing Love Child – Episode #8 – Common Carpet Compound Causes Cancer?

September 13, 2009

John and Alex pledge to fight for the right to party in China. The cool kind of party, not the political one. Also, carpet compounds that cause cancer?

If you haven’t subscribed already, I’m disappointed in you. Yes, you, behind the desk. Well, better late than never. Sigh. You can find us by looking us up in iTunes or just clicking the link below!

RAWR.