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Things I Have Learnt

August 21, 2009

Through my many years of living on this planet there are some things I have come to understand and learn, which I will now share with you.

•    It’s never funny to pick up a stranger’s baby and run, even for a second. No matter how hilarious it may seem, it will cause all kinds of trouble.

•    Never (even jokingly) tell a Lad they look pretty today.

•    Never tell an indie kid you just heard Does it offend you, yeah? On the radio. They will crumple into a sobbing ball on the floor.

•    Violence against women is considered a crime if done by a man, but a sport if done by another woman.

•    Never call football soccer in front of an English person. They will beat you to death with tea bags and crumpets.

•    If you are in a particularly western area of Sydney (e.g. Penrith) never correct someone’s pronunciation of words; they don’t take kindly to people with IQs higher then their shoe size.

•    Its always fun to yell out “Where’s my baby?” at the beach after a shark sighting.

•    Mushrooms are the food of Satan. Everything about them is unappealing, from their grey depressing colour, to the word mush being in their name. Now “WonderVeg”, that is a vegetable I would eat.

•    If you help an old lady carry her bags up some stairs she will most likely thank you and smile. However if you offer an old man some help he will feel emasculated, glare at you and say, “I saw my best friends head explode in ‘nam, I think I can carry a bag, ya’ queer.”

•    If you need to dig a hole do it in the daytime. People frown upon and get suspicious of nighttime diggin’.

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One comment

  1. this post made me laugh. haha nice. “mushrooms are the food of Satan”



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