Archive for August, 2009

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Glasses = Babe Magnet? (probably not)

August 31, 2009

I’m one of the few and the secretly ashamed people in our society who needs the aid of two pieces of glass to help me to see (somewhat) normally. That’s right, I wear glasses and contact lenses (not at the same time, I did try once and it just gave me x-ray vision, whatever). There’s nothing wrong with wearing glasses, it just means God hates you and wants life to be THAT much harder for you.

There are certain connotations that people place upon those elite few in society who get to wear sexy eye wear. No matter how hard you try it is impossible to look tough or threatening in glasses. If you were in a dark alley and a man jumped out of the shadows without glasses and asked you for your wallet you would scream and give it to him, however if this man was wearing round thick rimmed glasses you would laugh in his face, break his glasses in half (rendering him helpless) and skip down the alley way.

No matter how tough a person looked prior to wearing the glasses this is still true, imagine Arnie in his terminator hey days, (not his overweight Politician days), now imagine him wearing nerd glasses, and he doesn’t seem so tough. If there is ever a person who could look tough in glasses I will call the Guinness Book of World Records.

There is also the amazing thing that happens when you put on a pair of aviator sunglasses, it automatically makes you look like you could fly a plane or be in an action movie (maybe an action movie about flying planes?). However if you have aviator style glasses with clear lenses you will just look like a pedophile.

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On the bright side, glasses do make you appear intelligent. When the day comes that I finally turn off the television and go for a job interview I will of course wear my glasses, because the interviewer will see my glasses and think, “He must be a genius!” and hire me on the spot. They also make the wearer appear more trustworthy. Numerous times when I have been sporting some eyewear in my local town tourists ask me “Where are the water falls?” This is embarrassing because I have lived here for almost 19 years, I live on falls road and yet I don’t know exactly where the falls are. So I just give them some random directions and chuckle to myself, knowing I have just lost two American tourists.

There is some cruel irony in losing your glasses, because you are looking for the things which help you to see, but you can’t see them properly because without your glasses you are blind. Thus proving that if there is a god then he is an ass with a crap sense of humour.

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Podcast – 6 – Crack Mints & We Travel Back In Time!

August 25, 2009

Yes you read correctly, in this podcast we discuss a wide range of topics and travel back to the 1970s.

Podcast – 6 – Crack Mints & We Travel Back In Time!

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Competition Time!

August 25, 2009

Woohoo, I hear you cry. Yes, it’s competition time. Free stuff abounds. The top ten winners of this one will win a signed picture of Alex and I. Holy shit.

This one is simple. We want more emails. Our inbox is looking very dry and desolate. So, email us in 25 words or less how awesome you think we are, and the ten that most stroke our egos will win. You can complement our blogging style, our tone of voice, our abilities in bed. Anything! So get emailing! The address, as always, is leftwinglovechild@gmail.com.

🙂

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Sluts, the Real Creative Geniuses?

August 23, 2009

Now I don’t like to use derogatory terms like “slut” but sometimes a certain situation or girl may have cause for such drastic measures. These ladies of the night, and early morning, have often thought to be devoid of any thought process past “which morning do I take the morning after pill?”  However I have come to realize that perhaps they are the true creative genius that the majority simply cannot comprehend.

For example, school uniforms. How often has a prepubescent child complained that their uniform take away their personality? Or that it lacks any kind of character and turns them into another drone? This does not hold back the slut, I’m sure everyone as seen the girl who has managed to slutify her uniform by making what was once a long skirt into a mere sliver of material and turn a baggy school shirt into a midriff. Does this not show that they are capable of showing personal identity in even the most conforming of places?

Another recent trend which has risen lately is clear high heels. Upon first glance this may appear to just be a cry for attention. Although it seems somewhat postmodern of these girls with low self esteem, that they have the thought that although they need to wear clothes to be socially acceptable the clothes they do wear are see through and so defeating the purpose of clothing. How like the slut to stick it to the man.

Another trait of this breed of girl that seems ingenious is their hideous troll looking boyfriends. At first this may be mistaken for a lack of taste in appealing things so they pick guys whose face looks like a run over pie. On the contrary maybe they are actually trying to look better by comparison, it’s cruel but effective. Look at Jackie O with Kyle.

Looking through history I feel I must point the finger at the biggest slut. Jesus, he loves EVERYBODY. Regardless of how they look.

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Things I Have Learnt

August 21, 2009

Through my many years of living on this planet there are some things I have come to understand and learn, which I will now share with you.

•    It’s never funny to pick up a stranger’s baby and run, even for a second. No matter how hilarious it may seem, it will cause all kinds of trouble.

•    Never (even jokingly) tell a Lad they look pretty today.

•    Never tell an indie kid you just heard Does it offend you, yeah? On the radio. They will crumple into a sobbing ball on the floor.

•    Violence against women is considered a crime if done by a man, but a sport if done by another woman.

•    Never call football soccer in front of an English person. They will beat you to death with tea bags and crumpets.

•    If you are in a particularly western area of Sydney (e.g. Penrith) never correct someone’s pronunciation of words; they don’t take kindly to people with IQs higher then their shoe size.

•    Its always fun to yell out “Where’s my baby?” at the beach after a shark sighting.

•    Mushrooms are the food of Satan. Everything about them is unappealing, from their grey depressing colour, to the word mush being in their name. Now “WonderVeg”, that is a vegetable I would eat.

•    If you help an old lady carry her bags up some stairs she will most likely thank you and smile. However if you offer an old man some help he will feel emasculated, glare at you and say, “I saw my best friends head explode in ‘nam, I think I can carry a bag, ya’ queer.”

•    If you need to dig a hole do it in the daytime. People frown upon and get suspicious of nighttime diggin’.

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Podcast – 5 – Dead Babies & Racism, Don’t try any of these kids

August 17, 2009

Here is the sequel to podcast 4, podcast 5!

Podcast – 5 – Dead babies & Racism.

If you play it backwards there is a secret message

enjoy!

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How To Make Your Life Way Better Than Everyone Else’s

August 16, 2009

The best and easiest way to make your life appear to be better then everyone elses is simple: just lie about it. It’s not going to hurt anyone, except maybe the amount of people that trust you, but who needs trust when you have lies?

If someone I just met was to ask me, “Say Alex, what is a young hip guy like you doing on a Saturday night?” I would reply with “Oh I don’t know, maybe take my private jet to the white house and fist bump it up with my buddy Obama”. They would think, “Wow, he must be famous”. Are either of these statements true? No, instead I’m cleaning out the linen cupboard, but it’s a lot easier and cheaper to lie about it then actually befriend the president of the united states and then buy a private jet, not to mention the flying lessons.

Or what if a parental figure asks you “Now son, did you vacuum your room like I asked?”. I would instinctively answer yes with a big smile, when the truth is that there is at least four years worth of dust sitting around my room. However this lie will buy me at least half an hour of peace and quiet from nagging, not to mention the short lasted approval of my parents, and anyway this life is so short why waste time on getting long lasting feelings?

I mean I could do these things if I wanted to, but who has the time?